John Kerry decisively declared today that he does not own a gas guzzling Chevrolet Suburban SUV. "I don't own an SUV," said Kerry, but qualified it by adding "The family has it. I don't have it."

This is perfectly consistent, as Kerry noted, "because I'm not part of the family. The marriage is a sham. John Kerry. Teresa Heinz. See, we have totally different names."

When confronted with the fact that his alleged wife was legally named Teresa Heinz Kerry, the senator thought for a moment and said "Coincidence. Oversight. The American Catholic Church doesn't permit remarriage."

When reminded that the Boston archdiocese had annulled his first marriage, Kerry replied "Son of a bitch! I guess I own a SUV!"