From J. Patrick Rooney and The People of Color United. For Immediate Release to all Urban black stations.

<Cue James Brown's 'Funky Drummer'>

Deep Voiced Announcer: Theresa Heinz-Kerry. Does she seem like a soul-sistah to you?

Regular Announcer: John Kerry. His wife says she's an African American.

Deep Voiced Announcer: An African-American. Heh, heh, heh. You go, girl.

Regular Announcer: While technically true, I don't believe a white woman, raised in Africa, surrounded by servants, qualifies."

Deep Voiced Announcer: Surrounded by slaves.

Regular Announcer: John Kerry.

Deep Voiced Announcer: His wife says she's an African American.

James Brown: Good God!

Female announcer: What's Kerry done for us?"

Deep Voiced Announcer: Absolutely nothing.

Regular Announcer: John Kerry. Boy, does Kerry come across as rich, white and wishy-washy!

Deep Voiced Announcer: White. Rich.

Female announcer: They all are.

James Brown: Yoooowwwww!

Regular Announcer: This November, just don't vote.

Deep Voiced Announcer: Theresa Heinz-Kerry. Does she seem like a soul-sistah to you?

Female announcer: Hell, no.

<Rimshot. Cue out.>