Mowing Down Terrorism

Washington Times: AUSTIN, Texas An audit of the state's spending of nearly $600 million in federal antiterrorism funds found that some of the money was spent improperly, including the purchase of a trailer that was used to haul lawn mowers to "lawn mower drag races."

Speaking from the green room at the Headquarters of the National Drag Racing Lawn Mower Association, vice-president Dudley Wheeler told us that the Texas expenditure was in no way inappropriate.

"Hell, no. Just take a look at what the terrorists have on their front lawns. Sand. That's right, sand as far as the eye can see. So the terrorists don't even know what to make of a dang lawn mower, specially one of our super modified midway monsters. They know that they's loud. They know they got mighty blades that cut down anything in their path just like the sweet sharp swords of freedom. See that tree trunk? It was a might oak until about five minutes ago when Jim Bob Kelly drove his magnificent mulcher 'Toro Bora' over it. Them lawn mowers is the first line of defense in Texas - scare the pants off any 'Afghan Abduhl' makes his way over the border."