U.S. Issues Warning to Tuna

In his strongest language to date, President Bush today warned Tuna to discontinue it's program of mercury infestation. A new report by the International Fish Toxicity Agency (IFTA) outlines Tuna's failure to provide a balance between nutrition and menace for agency inspectors, and the president now says that the current level is unacceptable.


"Tuna must comply. I mean, the free world expects Tuna to comply. Just leave it at that. ... We believe they will comply when the free world comes together," Mr. Bush said after a White House meeting with European Union leaders. Several nations, including France and Russia, stated that they will continue consuming the poisonous fish any time they damn well please.


The Washington Post spoke to Tuna expert David Burney, executive director of the San Diego-based U.S. Tuna Foundation. "Every time there's a hearing or a meeting, you get all these incredible accusations flying around everywhere, where you have people saying they know people who ate people that know fish who glow in the dark," Burney said. "That's the kind of thing you don't like to see, and you wonder whether people are taking this to heart. Sometimes I just feel like packing it all in. Fuck it, ya know?"


Tuna spokesman Charlie issued the following statement through the undersea media outlet Liqueeda. "Everyone knows that Tuna was poisoned by the U.S., and that most of our toxins were introduced by the U.S., and that we will fight back however we can, even if it means by attacking the stomach of every man, woman and child in the godforsaken country. And other fish will follow. The swordfish are already fighting on our side."  


Secretary Rumsfeld was quick to respond, saying "our teeth are stronger than your flesh", and claimed that America will never back down from seafood, "even if it means poisoning every damn fish in the ocean. And that includes the crustaceans, too."

2003, Mark Hoback