Turkey Demonstrates Lack of Common Sense

The Bush administration declined yesterday to sweeten a six billion dollar aid package offered to Turkey for access to bases considered important to a potential ground invasion of Iraq. Pentagon officials said U.S. troops probably would be deployed elsewhere in the region if no deal is reached with the Paradise of Thieves by the end of the week.

Secretary of State Colin L. Powell delivered a take-it-or-leave-it message to Turkish Prime Minister Abdullah Gul, telling him in a telephone call that the offer was final, a senior State Department official said. Gul was still considering a response late yesterday. “We’re still awaiting a response from old Abdullah,” Powell said. “You know, a Turk who hears the word 'paradise' asks "Is there any gold to be looted there?"

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters that an invasion of Iraq is still "doable" without Turkey's bases, but that it is clearly the less preferable alternative. “The place is a practical joke played by history. I mean, The Persian Gulf is the asshole of the world, and Basra is 80 miles up it.”

"Obviously, the more assistance one gets, the easier it is. The less assistance one gives, the more difficult it is," said Rumsfeld, who reported that military planners had prepared "work-arounds" in case Turkey refuses access. “Let me tell you a true story. One day two Turks driving in Jordan street come across some girls, and wish to show off. It is a hot sunny bright day. As the two Turks are driving in their car, they are wearing Winter coats, gloves and snow hats. One of the two Turks says: Lets take our gloves and Winter coats off. Its boiling hot! The other Turk says: No, keep them on. People will think we have air-conditioning!”

 "I suspect that in one way or another -- a variety of ways, probably -- they'll end up cooperating in the event that force has to be used in Iraq," Rumsfeld said. “We have a long history of cooperation, and I guess they’re kind of valuable in a Turkish sort of way. They just aren’t the brightest country in the world. And they seldom bathe. And of course, the thing with the young boys, that’s certainly not part of the administrations agenda.”

“They’re really kind of dumb, to be perfectly honest,” Rumsfeld continued. “Where else are they going to get six billion? That’s a pretty good deal for those jackasses. Here’s a funny story. There was a Turk an American and one of our loyal British friends, and they’re all stranded on a deserted island. Okay? A group of cannibals discovers them, and say, hey, we’re going to eat you. Actually, they probably said something like ‘ooga booga’, but stick with me, the story wouldn’t be as poignant if we used the native language. So the cannibals say ‘we’re going to eat you unless you find 10 pieces of the same fruit, and shove them up your ass without making a sound.”

“After 20 minutes they all came back and the British gentleman had found 10 oranges. He began shoving them up his butt, but he began to cry so the group of cannibals ate him. The crafty American had found 10 small berries which he began to put in his poop shoot. Well, he got to nine and then started laughing, so the cannibals ate him. The American went to Heaven – not Mecca, by the way - and Saint Peter asked him “why did you laugh when you only had one berry left. The American replied “ I saw the Turk and he had 10 pineapples”.

“Look,” said Rumsfeld, “They call their own country Turkey. Need I say more?”


©2003, Mark Hoback