How much more fun is this Republican Convention than the dismal affair produced by the Democrats in July? I'd say it's about the difference in heft between a donkey and an elephant. You know, an elephant weighs a heck of a lot more than even a big donkey. A heck of a lot more. At any rate, let's make it two in a row for emerging comics. After Jenna Bush's house rocker, it's hard to believe, but a man named Zell did her one better. What a wack job, this guy! Boy, whoever put together this campaign simply understood funny! Hang onto your hats, folks, and get ready to laugh.

Since I last stood in this spot, a whole new generation of the Miller family has been born: four great grandchildren. I'm getting old, I tell ya. Along with all the other members of our close-knit family, they are my and Shirley's most precious possessions. My wife likes em too. And I know that's how I feel about your family, also. I've got pictures to prove it.

Like you, I think of their future, the promises and the perils they will face. Like you, I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. Like you, I believe that the next four years will determine what kind of world they will grow up in.  Like you, I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my ass.

And like you, I ask: When did happy hour become a nap? The clear answer to that question has placed me in this hall with you tonight. For my family is more important than my party. Speaking of parties, I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.' God rest his soul.

Thank you, thank you. At any rate, there is but one man to whom I am willing to entrust their future, and that man's name is George W. Bush. Who cares if Bush did his job in the National Guard 30 years ago - I'm more frightened about the job he's doing now. Heh, heh, stole that one from Leno. Hey, unlike John Kerry, if I steal something... uh, sorry, lost my place. I'm so old that getting lucky means I can find my car in the parking lot.

Let me get serious a minute. What has happened to the party I've spent my life working in? I know I left it somewhere. I can remember when Democrats believed that it was the duty of America to fight for freedom over tyranny. It was Democratic President Harry Truman who pushed the Red Army out of Iran, who came to the aid of Greece when Communists threatened to overthrow it, who stared down the Soviet blockade of West Berlin by flying in supplies and saving the city. That Truman was a real spitfire, I tell ya, a spitfire. God, I wish he was here today. Old Harry would walk up to john Kerry and give him hell. And in much the same spirit, I'm going to give him Zell.

Motivated more by partisan politics than by national security, today's Democratic leaders see America as an occupier, not a liberator. ARRRRRHHH! Nothing makes this old Marine madder than someone calling American troops occupiers rather than liberators. Let me tell you a true story.

Years ago, John Kerry was in a bar, and he leaned over to me and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

I replied, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

Kerry just gets that smug look on his face and says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

That's the arrogance of the man. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. Poets are fags. It is the soldier, not the agitator, who has given us the freedom to protest. And I assure you that John Kerry is an agitator, and deep down inside is every bit the hippie he was thirty years ago.
It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom he abuses to burn that flag. But, if we allow flag burning as free speech, than we should allow beating the shit out of flag burners as free speech. John Kerry beware.

But don't waste your breath telling that to the leaders of my party today. They won't listen and they'll just complain. In their warped way of thinking, America is the problem, not the solution. Do you know the difference between a Democrat, present company excluded, and a puppy. A puppy stops whining when it grows up. I say, quit your whining, John Kerry!

I'll tell you another true story. George Bush and a John Kerry were walking down the street when they came across a homeless person. George gave the homeless person a lecture about cleaning himself up and getting off the bottle and going out and finding himself a job. Then he took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Well that kind of impressed old John Kerry, and when they came up to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to him and gave him directions to the welfare office. Then he reached into the Bush's pocket and gave the bum fifty dollars.

Then President Bush beat Kerry to within an inch of his life. Just like he'll do in November.

God bless this great country. God bless George W. Bush. And God bless me, cause I'm getting so old that when I sink my teeth into a nice steak, they just stay there.