down with democracy


" in the end, what it all boils down to is this; we don't really want democracy in the Middle East. That was a dumb idea, Karl, some real peckerhead thinking on your part."

  "Tell me about it. Just fucking brilliant, Karl. You dumb peckerhead"

"Yeah. Big time peckerhead.


"Shut up, Dick. You're still on probation."


  "Heh, heh. Dick's week to wear the dunce cap. But you see, George, you see what happens when you listen to Karl instead of us? You see what happens to you then? Now you've got a democratically elected Iraqi government that Iran is licking their lips over. Now you've got the Muslim Brotherhood picking up power in Egypt. Democratically. Now you've got democratically elected Hamas in Palestine.

"Hey, don't look at me. All I was doing was trying to do was help spin your boy on  past the WMD fiasco that you guys started."

"Boy, did you ever. Spin him, that is."


"Yeah. Big time. Oops. Permission to speak."




"We should have stuck with the WMD story. We never should have relented for a moment on that one. Syria, Syria, Syria. All we had to do was say that the weapons had disappeared into Syria. Piece of cake. Discipline."

"Ah, Dick, if we'd stuck with that, we would have had to go ahead and do something about it, and you know Syria wasn't on the agenda... Sigh. Not that the agenda is exactly making monster truck traction here. We don't even have our oil yet... thanks to democracy.

"Look, fellas, just what would you have had me do? Lose the trust of the American people?"

"Nope, no sir, nope nope nope."


"What a miserable little sniveler you are, Rove."


"Mister President! Mister President! The vice president spoke without permission!"

"Shut up, Karl. You do snivel a lot. Of course that's something I look for in an aid. The point is, here we have a new government in Palestine that says that it's not even going to abide by prior agreements that recognize Israel's right to exist."

"Thanks to democracy..."


"That's absurd. Of course Israel exists. It's as obvious as the nose on my face."


"He said 'right to exist', didn't you boss?"


"Snivel a little louder, won't you turd blossom."


"Heh heh heh. Gotta hand it to you, George. That is about the best nickname you ever gave anyone. Just perfect for this sniveling little shit... You know, your daddy wasn't very good with nicknames."

"No, not like me..."


"Your dad would meet a William, and he might call him Will or he might call him Bill or he might call him Willie..."

"...but he wasn't going to call him Turd Blossom!"


"Mwah hahahaha ah hahaha hee hee hee hee arr arr arr arr..."

"Huh huh huh uh huh uh hee hee hoo..."




"So anyway, how do we do it? How do we go about saying that maybe democracy for the Middle East might not be the most pragmatic of ideas?"

"I don't know, George. How do you unscramble an egg?"


"I know! I know!"


"You know how to unscramble an egg? Fiddlesticks."


"No Mister Hot Shot Vice President. I know how to reverse course on democracy."

"Well, hit us with your vision thing, Mister Turd Blossom. Mwah hahaha... uh... mmm... Proceed."

"We redefine it."


"I'm all ears."


"First we say that the president misspoke..."


"Hold it right there, Turd Blossom..."


"Hear me out, hear me out. First of all, we all know that the US is a republic, not a democracy..."

"You're kidding me. I didn't know that."


"Good, good, Mister President. I told you guys this would work. See, we say that when the president said democracy, what he was really thinking about was a country like America, and he thought that America was a democracy because, well, after all, he was only a C student..."

"C+, but go on..."


"I still say we go after Syria."


"There'll be time for that later, Dick. Continue on, O Wise One."

"Okay, okay, in a republic, you have minority rights..."


"Don't like the sound of that..."


"And you have natural rights instead of civil rights..."


"Kind of a trade off, then."


"But in a democracy, you have no minority rights, just civil rights, which are like favors granted by the ruling majority. So in matter of fact, a democracy is nothing but a dictatorship of the majority. Which means that democracy..."

"Democracy is bad. Brilliant!"


"Down with democracy!"


"I like it Rovester. I like it a lot. But instead of me misspeaking, can't we say that I was talking under the influence of faulty intelligence?"

"Yes sir, we can. In fact, we already did."



2006, Mark Hoback