presents: A Zany Cheney Holiday

...and now, E! Entertainment is proud to present the fourth annual Dick Cheney Holiday Special, 'A Zany Cheney Holiday!', sponsored by Honda, Celexa™, and the Haliburton Corporation!

         Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

With our host, Sean Hannity!

         Had a very shiny nose

Musical legends Willie Nelson and Aretha Franklin!

         And if you ever saw it

White House staffers Scott McClellan and Andrew Card!

         You might even say it glows (you would)

Acting great Arnold Schwarzenegger! Plus Kathy Gifford!

         All of the other reindeer

Scooter Libby with Topo Gigio!

         Used to laugh and call him names

And of course, here he is, the reason for the season...

         They never let poor Rudolph (poor Rudolph)

 The vainglorious president of the United States...

         Join in any reindeer games

Dick Cheney!

[enormous applause] Thank you Sean!

[music hall beat]
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas Hannity
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
From the Cheney family

[enormous applause]

Wow, that's terrific, Mister President. You're quite the hoofer.


Thank you, Sean!



You know, Mister President, there's something I've always had trouble understanding. Maybe you can help me out tonight. Just what is it that Rudolph is supposed to represent? We all know that reindeer cannot interact socially in this fashion, so it's obvious that this whole thing is metaphorical. Is Rudolph supposed to be the American right? Communism? What is the...

Chill, Sean, chill. Don't get so distraught. Let's look at the big picture. Yes, it is traditionally considered a fact that Rudolph is intended to represent the Republican party, although with that big red nose, he looks a lot more like Ted Kennedy to me. [laughter] The first...

That's right. That's right Mister President. Ted Kennedy is nothing but a big fat drunk. He'd be in prison if it wasn't for that Kennedy name.

Getting back to Rudolph and what I said about the big picture... I'm sure you remember what happened next, of course. Santa has a crisis and it falls upon Rudolph to supply potent leadership. Which he does, of course, despite what some of the America haters would have you believe. And lest you forget, the other reindeer all come back and have to kiss his reindeer ass.  [big laughter]

Wow. So Mister President, are you Rudolph?

 

No, Sean, I'm Santa. [laughter] Now lets have a little seasonal music. Here's Willie Nelson with a holiday classic.

[applause]
It came upon a midnight clear
The wonderful Wizard of Oz
A sight that made my eyes grow bright
Twas good ole Santa Clause
I lit a reefer and softly toked
And reached for a Budweiser beer
I zip...

Willie, Willie, quit it. This is supposed to be a sacred song and you're...you... I don't know what you're doing, Willie, but it is totally without dignity and that'll be enough of it. What do you think about that Mister President? Is that an attack on Christmas or what? Taking a great old song like that and removing any reference to the Savior.

I don't think anything about it, Sean. What do you expect from the E! Network? Whoa, who's that coming our way in the ice suit? Why, it's my old friend the Govenator.

[applause]

How are you, Dick? Happy holidays to you.

 

Happy holidays to you as well, Governor. Say, how's that pretty little wife of yours doing?


She's doing just marvelous, Dick, and she made sure that I'd convey her wishes to you and yours. I, however, have been feeling a little bit blue. Around this time of year I start thing about the good old Christmas days in Germany.

You've got that right, my friend. I feel the same way. Why don't we sing a song about it?


I'll have a blue holiday, my fräulein
I'll have a big brew in my beer stein
Decorations of red on my holiday tree
Won't be the same so far from Germany
You'll be doing all right with your holiday white
But I'll have a blue blue holiday.

That was marvelous, gentlemen, simply marvelous. Say, Mister President, there's someone here tonight who's been just dying to see you.

Hope it's not a suicide bomber. [laughter] Well, you lead the way, Sean. Hey, it's Scooter, I mean, it's little Topo Gigio. Say, Topo, I didn't realize that you were black and white in real life.

Oh yes Dickie. But I will turn color for you any time. I'm so happy to see you... I have a joke for you, Dickie. Did you hear the one about the dyslexic secularist? He sold his soul to Santa. [laughter] Hee hee. Come here, Dickie, I have something for you.

What is it, Topo?



It's a kiss. Mmwahh.
 

Thank you, Topo. And I've got a little something for you too. Look at this. It's the Congressional Medal of Freedom.

Oh my, it's so shiny! I love you Dickie.

 

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Sean, I need a drink. Isn't it about time to go to commercial.


As you wish, Mister President. Coming up, the comedy styling of Andy Card, Kathie Lee Gifford sings something that I hope to God at least has the word Christmas in it [laughter], the first lady - of soul, that is - joins us, and a visit from one sweet guy we just call Scottie. Back in three minutes.

 

©2005, Mark Hoback