presents: A Zany Cheney Holiday
...and now, E! Entertainment is proud to present the fourth annual Dick Cheney Holiday Special, 'A Zany Cheney Holiday!', sponsored by Honda, Celexa™, and the Haliburton Corporation!
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
With our host, Sean Hannity!
Had a very shiny nose
Musical legends Willie Nelson and Aretha Franklin!
And if you ever saw it
White House staffers Scott McClellan and Andrew Card!
You might even say it glows (you would)
Acting great Arnold Schwarzenegger! Plus Kathy Gifford!
All of the other reindeer
Scooter Libby with Topo Gigio!
Used to laugh and call him names
And of course, here he is, the reason for the season...
They never let poor Rudolph (poor Rudolph)
The vainglorious president of the United States...
Join in any reindeer games
[enormous applause] Thank you Sean!
[music hall beat]
that's terrific, Mister President. You're quite the hoofer.
Chill, Sean, chill. Don't get so distraught. Let's look at the big picture. Yes, it is traditionally considered a fact that Rudolph is intended to represent the Republican party, although with that big red nose, he looks a lot more like Ted Kennedy to me. [laughter] The first...
That's right. That's right Mister President. Ted Kennedy is nothing but a big fat drunk. He'd be in prison if it wasn't for that Kennedy name.
Getting back to Rudolph and what I said about the big picture... I'm sure you remember what happened next, of course. Santa has a crisis and it falls upon Rudolph to supply potent leadership. Which he does, of course, despite what some of the America haters would have you believe. And lest you forget, the other reindeer all come back and have to kiss his reindeer ass. [big laughter]
Wow. So Mister President, are you Rudolph?
No, Sean, I'm Santa. [laughter] Now lets have a little seasonal music. Here's Willie Nelson with a holiday classic.
Willie, Willie, quit it. This is supposed to be a sacred song and you're...you... I don't know what you're doing, Willie, but it is totally without dignity and that'll be enough of it. What do you think about that Mister President? Is that an attack on Christmas or what? Taking a great old song like that and removing any reference to the Savior.
I don't think anything about it, Sean. What do you expect from the E! Network? Whoa, who's that coming our way in the ice suit? Why, it's my old friend the Govenator.
How are you, Dick? Happy holidays to you.
Happy holidays to you as well, Governor. Say, how's that pretty little wife of yours doing?
You've got that right, my friend. I feel the same way. Why don't we sing a song about it?
That was marvelous, gentlemen, simply marvelous. Say, Mister President, there's someone here tonight who's been just dying to see you.
Hope it's not a suicide bomber. [laughter] Well, you lead the way, Sean. Hey, it's Scooter, I mean, it's little Topo Gigio. Say, Topo, I didn't realize that you were black and white in real life.
Oh yes Dickie. But I will turn color for
you any time. I'm so happy to see you... I have a joke for you, Dickie. Did
you hear the one about the dyslexic secularist? He sold his soul to Santa.
[laughter] Hee hee. Come here, Dickie, I have
something for you.
Thank you, Topo. And I've got a little something for you too. Look at this. It's the Congressional Medal of Freedom.
Oh my, it's so shiny! I love you Dickie.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, Sean, I need a drink. Isn't it about time to go to commercial.
©2005, Mark Hoback