|Hey, hello! Hi there ladies and gents, it's time for another of my weird tales.|
|It's come to my attention that a number of you weren't all that crazy about my last adventure, 'The Haunted Houseboat'™, the story of how I won a ten million dollar bet from James Cameron by staying on his damnable ship from hell for twenty-four hours.|
|Many viewers claimed that I didn't act tough enough, and of this I plead guilty. I was trying to show a different, more nuanced side, but in show biz a man needs to stick with what he knows.|
|Some of you blamed a lackluster performance by Jumpin' Joe Lieberman. I want to make it clear that I stand 100% behind Joe. And oh, you should see all the whining and moaning about the appearance of Reese Witherspoon I've had to put up with. 'She was hardly in the story, John'. Well, pipe down, people, it was a guest appearance, and we're lucky to have had her at all.|
|And yes, I'll agree that the supporting actors were a bit underutilized, although I'm pleased to say that one of them showed genuine star power, and is here tonight as my new sidekick. Say hello to TV Zombie!|
|Thank you, John McCain. Our top story today is on John McCain, who yesterday announced that he would be running for president of the United States. 98% of Republicans and 94% of Democrats expressed surprise, saying that they thought John McCain had already been running for years.|
|So that explains the lack of coverage. Today was the formal announcement. The others were all just... What else you got for us, Zombie?|
|That's all I've got, John McCain.|
|There's no more John McCain news?|
|Sorry, John McCain, but ever since HBO premiered 'James Cameron presents John McCain on The Haunted Houseboat', the coverage on you has thinned quite a bit.|
|Curse my overbearing ego! What made me think I could both direct the first episode of the show and star in it as well? Damn you, Woody Allen, you make it all look so deceptively easy.|
|Oh. I'm sorry, folks. Chucky is trying to say that it's time to introduce tonight's chilling new episode of Weird Tales, a mind blistering episode that might just shake you down to the naked foundation of your most primal fear. Tell us what it's called, Chucky.|
right, it's called 'The Call of Cthulhu', and it's based on a story of the
same name by the very scary H.P. Lovecraft. Lets open the crypt door and
John McCain's Weird Tales is proud to present...
|Get that phone for me, would you Karl? I don't know what's happened to all my secretaries.|
|Good morning. White House, Office of the President, how the heck may I help you?|
|Go'od mor'ningah. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.|
|I'm sorry, but I can't understand a thing you're saying. Could you try that again in English?|
|Go'od mor'ningah. Mayg I spe'ak to G'eor'ge Bushgn pl'ease.|
Who may I tell him is calling...
|Okay, Mister Cthulhu, hold a sec... Hey, Boss, you know anybody by the name of Dread Cthulhu?|
|Great Lord Cthulhu! How the hell did he get my office number? I... I guess I better take it.|
|Cthulhu fhtagn. How you doin', big guy? ......yeah... yeah... yeah, it has been, but not long enough for me... No... No... Just kidding, I was just kidding. Cthulhu fhtagn.... okay... okay... Next Friday might be... Okay, then, we'll go by your schedule... Cthulhu fhtagn.|
|Wah hoo hoo hoo. You were really kowtowing there, boss. I've never seen you kowtow like that before.|
|Shut up, Turdflower. I'll kick your ass later, but now it's imperative that I tell you a story that might just shake you down to the naked foundation of your most primal fear. It's a tale about a man - nay, not a man, but a monstrous thing - a thing beyond time and space that is known as the high priest of the Great Old Ones. A thing known as Lord Cthulhu.|
|Come on, boss, this thing isn't real. Cheney or someone has been pulling your leg.|
real? Is the wind not real, nor the stars, nor the night? Does not the
Necronomicon say "That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange
aeons even death may die." I know that Lord Cthulhu is real, for I myself
have stared in quivering awe upon his face.
But alas, there would never be a part 2. Or maybe there was and I accidentally deleted it. Or it sucked and I deleted it on purpose. What the hell. We'll never know.
©2007, Mark Hoback