Okie, dokie, I guess we can get started, as long as everyone has the, uh... I'm sorry, Mister President. I haven't met the gentleman with the, uh, headgear, and I'm not sure if I should continue...

That's okay, Karl, this is my cousin Bernie Bush. He's visiting us here today from Houston, and I told him I'd show him a little of how things work here on the inside of the White House. Don't worry, I gave him Alpha security access, just for the afternoon.

Yes, it is true. Cousin George Walker Bush is showing me how to put a shine on the nickel.

Don't you mean 'drop a dime'?


Hee, hee, hee hee...

Well, good to meet you, Cousin Bernie. You sure do look familiar to me...

Many people have told me that. It is my eyes.


Hee, hee, ho hee...

Okay then, gentlemen, let's talk about ports. Please explain why - right in the middle of what I have been working my ass off to sell for the past few years as the war on terror - we would let an Arab country take over the running of our ports?  I don't get it, guys. How am I supposed to sell this to the American people if I don't understand it myself?

And since when are you in charge of understanding everything, Butterball?

Hoo hoo hoo hoo...

Butterball? While this is a term that I am not familiar with, on some level I must say that I find it inherently funny.

It's a term that's used to describe a particularly plump turkey, Cousin Osa... Oh, say can you see... Boy, what a great song that is.



Okay, okay, I'm just the political Guru here. But for the love of God...





...from a political point of view, why would we turn over the ports to an Islamic country when we've been so successful in selling the idea that this Administration will go through hell and high water to protect the American mainland from just their type? Come on... New York? New Orleans? Miami? Philadelphia?

I spent a week in Philadelphia one day.


Hee, hee, hee, hee.


What the hell do you all keep laughing about? This is a bona fide public relations disaster.

Maybe we're laughing because we've all got a secret, Buterball, and you don't know what it is.


Hee, hee, hee, hee... A plump turkey. Cousin George Walker Bush, perhaps we could take a break soon and have some sandwiches. Some turkey sandwiches.



We'll take a break in just a few minutes, Bernie, soon as we get brother Karl here back on the straight and narrow.

Snap the whip, George, make him dance.


Dance, infidel!



Stop picking on him, guys. Let me explain, Karl. You are a very important part of this corporation that we like to call the United States. A company like ours consists of three main parts. First, there's the CEO. Omniscient, large and in charge, untouchable. Then there are the senior vice presidents, who set the course for the corporate ship of state. And finally, there is the very very important sales guy. You're that sales guy, Karl. That sales guy is you.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I see what you're saying...


Of course, you've also got your board of advisers in a corporation like ours, but they're transient, Karl. You have to squint hard just to see them...

But this is a matter of perceptions.


That's what he just said, Squeaky. Why not try turning up that hearing aid once in a while.

And then, over there, far down the road from the barely perceptible board of advisors, down in the valley of the shadowy doubt, a little sea of dots that we like to call the shareholders. Tell him what we say about shareholders, Dick.

Screw the shareholders.


Hee, hee, hee, hee. I have no dog in this fight.


But the media...




Screw the media.


Hi-yo! I'm all over that like peanut butter on rye.


I really was serious about those sandwiches...


Hold on, Bernie, I'm fixin to wrap this up. So here it is, Turd Blossom. I didn't know anything about this port deal. Comprende? My boys here didn't know anything about this port deal. I hope you're getting all of this down. It would appear as though somebody slid this whole deal past my board of advisors. Nevertheless, in spite of this reckless disregard for company policy, I support their decision one hundred percent, and am of the opinion that anyone who opposes me on this is surrendering to an un-American rush to disengagement with the rest of the world. And I will not surrender to fear.

But, but...


Ibbidy, ibbidy...


Ah hoo hoo ha hoo, ah hoo hoo hee... Take that mask off Dick, you're killing me!

Filthy animal. Bwa ha ha hee...




You make the perceptions, Karl. You're the salesman. Do you think that the president of General Motors needs to come down to the sales floor and explain to the customer why he decided to introduce a new model car or to discontinue an old one? No... That's the salesman's job. You don't need to understand anything, Karl. It might just make things more difficult if you did. Now get back out to that show room.


2006, Mark Hoback