On behalf of all Americans

On behalf of all Americans, I congratulate our troops on this remarkable achievement. Zarqawi is dead, but the difficult and necessary mission in Iraq continues. And yet... Yo! Who got him, we got him, who got him...

Bah, go ahead and gloat. For as I shuffle off this mortal coil, the Prophet knows that my mission was holy. I mean - you know, what with all the infidels and everything, the path I chose was, uh... justifiable. That's the word for which I seek.

My path was not only justified, but as Allah could tell you, it was glorified! In truth, I have not seen Him yet but I am absolutely assured that this is what He would say.... Sure, I blew up a few schools, poisoned a few wells, and shot a few hostages. Some would say the beheadings were a little over the top, but in my heart, I, uh...

Ah, screw it. This is something a lot less than paradise that I find myself having earned... There are no virgins here...

But I shouldn't complain... At least I got myself a hot shower and a decent barber