It was an easy decision, one that I didn't really need to give much thought to. It seemed so simple...

So now that you're way up with the white women, we solidify your support by having you and Cindy appear on some of the daytime shows. The View, of course. Ellen would be good. Oprah, no. Tyra, maybe...
And Rachel Ray, if you can arrange it. Boy would I like to be served a salmon surprise by that girl. I'd even help her mash the potatoes.
I'm all over it, John.

--Hey, Rachel, Karl Rove here...

The View went okay, I suppose. Those ladies are pretty tough, sometimes. And Whoopi Goldberg is an obnoxious loudmouth, asking me if I would appoint judges who would put her back into slavery. As though she had ever been a slave to begin with. She's never been a slave to fashion, I'll tell you that much.

Tyra was a total waste of time. We sat in the Green Room for forty-five minutes, and then got bumped when Kanye West showed up for a surprise appearance. Tyra's producer said they would reschedule, and give me two segments, but I assure you, they will not get a second chance.

Other than the bagel they gave me at The View, I hadn't had anything to eat all day, so I was eager to see what Rachel Ray might be cooking up.

Hi everybody, and welcome to '30 Minute Meals'. I've got some special guests today - John and Cindy McCain - so I've already been pretty busy here in the kitchen. Hold on, I believe my turkey is ready.

Now obviously you can't really fix a turkey in thirty minutes, so don't you even try to do it at home. This bird has been in the oven for five hours, and now we're taking it out to cool. Say, I think my guests have arrived. Lets go greet them.
Hi, Senator McCain! Hi, Mrs. McCain! Have I ever cooked up a treat for you! You know, it doesn't have to be Thanksgiving day to enjoy a delicious Thanksgiving dinner - don't you agree?
Hi, Rachel, I guess I'd have to agree. Thanksgiving dinner is good all year round, at least as long as you don't have to cook it yourself. You like Thanksgiving dinner, don't you, John?
Huh? I, uh... sure I like turkey. Doesn't everybody?
Actually, the answer to that question might surprise you. According to the American Poultry Institute, a solid twenty-one percent of Americans do not like the taste of turkey, and that number shoots way up when you include international eaters. Now chicken is another matter - everybody does like chicken. But the important thing is that you like turkey, which is what I've fixed today! But first, what about an appetizer of fresh succulent strawberries?
It's a... It's a funny thing about strawberries... They make me break out in a rash that kind of looks like strawberries, so I, uh...
Oh come on, Senator, now I know you're just teasing me. Look at how plump and firm these berries are. The juice is just running out of my mouth and all over my body.
Yes it is. It most certainly is. Uh, would you like to borrow my jacket, Ms Ray?
Don't be silly, Senator McCain, I've just spent the last few hours slaving away in a hot kitchen. So, my first question for you is on military strength levels. Seeing as we're currently engaged in two wars, and are seeing a host of threats to US interests flaring up around the world - including in Russia, which your running mate sees as a potential source of conflict, how do you propose implementing your foreign policy without a significant increase in troop levels?
That's, uh... Why are you asking me these questions? I thought this was supposed to be a cooking show. You should be asking me what I like to barbeque.
Of course this is a cooking show, silly. Just take a lick off this gravy spoon. No? It's to die for. So, what is it that you like to barbeque?
Ribs. Pork ribs. Especially baby back ribs.
Yummy! Aren't those the best? But back to my question, how do you intend to meet your military goals and challenges without reinstituting the draft?
I can't... I just can't do this.
What the Senator is saying, dear, is that he would be much more comfortable doing this show if you would  cut off the cameras for a moment, and go put some clothes on.
Huh. I guess I was just trying to make this meal extra special for you. I don't get many guests on '30 Minute Meals'... But okay, let's do it your way.
Wow. It's been a pretty weird day, hasn't it Cindy? These cooking shows get a little randy.
Well, all I can say is that I'm glad that I decided to come with you. Why don't we just leave?
I can't do that, I'm already on the TV scheduled. And I'm famished. I'm going to sit right here till I finish my dinner. And don't worry. I'm sure they'll clean this all up before they broadcast it.


Hi, Y'all!

I'm back!

Who's ready for some pie?

 

2008, Mark Hoback