NASA today release a report which reveals that a dramatic reduction in the quality of Astronauts has occurred during the Bush administration, and that if the situation is not  curbed, it could have a significant impact on the American space program for years to come.

Administrator Mike Griffin warned that "unless we get these Astronauts in line soon, you can just forget about going back to the moon. Mars program, my ass, we need to get some of these folks into a twelve step program."

Griffin lays part of the blame squarely on the Bush plan to use only "faith-based Astronauts, instead of, you know, scientists or pilots or something. I mean, 'Roger, Roger, come in Earth, this is the Heavens'. Maybe that's cute to some people, but come on, we're supposed to be on a mission, not in one."

As if to emphasize Griffin's claims, the daily news is now inundated by stories of naughty and/or irresponsible Astronaut behavior, such as Astronaut Col Jim Taylor, who reportedly exposed himself at a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise in Houston, or Astronaut Cmdr Steve Rococo who recently took part in a Philadelphia Gay Pride celebration.

And now there's the latest incident, with Astronaut Lisa Marie Novack stalking and attempting to kill (or worse!) Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, who she believed was competing for the affections of William Oefelein,  who is - you guessed it - another Astronaut.

"Good merciful heavens," said Martin, "this is like an Astronaut trifecta. I mean, when you think about it, the number of Astronauts compared to the general population is really quite small, so these multiple Astronaut incidents are very disturbing. Look, we're in the planning stages of a two and a half year mission to Mars, and when you consider... well, Christ, the mind boggles. Whatever happened to the good old Astronauts of yesteryear?"

2007, Mark Hoback