Feds Nab Nogoodnik

Krusty pic by Matt Groeng

Somewhere around Beaver Creek, Colorado, there is one hardcore troublemaker who hopefully has learned his lesson once and for all. The unnamed, unidentified nogoodnik had the temerity to approach Dick Cheney on Friday, as the Veep was attending a conference in the fancy-ass resort village. So they stopped the fellow and questioned him, and they didn't release him until Cheney had ample time to make his escape and get back to the lectern where he was delivering a lecture on the importance of American Samoa.

Okay, so I lied, so Cheney wasn't really at the conference when the threatening creep approached him, he was in the town at an outdoor shopping area, bit I'd bet dollars to donuts that this creep was walking in the same direction the Veep was going, don't know how close he came, twenty thirty feet maybe, I dunno, and why would that even be relevant, we're in the middle of a war on terror and the world has changed doncha know.

You know that this guy was trouble, cause the Secret Service said, “he wasn’t acting like the other folks in the area.”  He must have been, I don't know, juggling or smoking crack or maybe he had a big bottle of wine, the really cheap shit that makes for a nasty drunk, and like he could use it as a bludgeon if he walked any closer to the vice president. Gosh, people, just use your imagination since there aren't any real details.

He coulda been doing anything, maybe talking on his cell phone in a threatening high pitched voice. I myself like to imagine him carrying a pair of large scissors and making loud snipping noises as he waved the shiny implement of metallic death in a wide sweeping arc. Here you have this hulking psycho with a big pair of meat tenderizers, and furthermore, the closer he gets the more you realizes that “His behavior and demeanor wasn’t quite right,” and you've only got seconds to make a decision, you're guarding the man who's just a heart beat away from the president, he takes a pair of giant scissors in the gut, it's gonna be your ass on the line.

 I've been kinda speculating here, but if you can't extrapolate from a story where a man with a worrisome demeanor is walking in the same direction as the Veep, what can you extrapolate from?