Brenda's Butt

Here at Virtual Occoquan, we've always strived to bring you the very best Cannibal stories from around the world. We all tire of politics from time to time, and it is a breath of fresh air to turn our attention to those fascinating people who eat people. So it is with great pride that we now invite you to the lovely town of Puerto Princesa in the Philippines, where we shall be attending the wedding feast for the beautiful daughter of Eladio Baule. I believe her name was Brenda, Brenda Baule, and I know that the sound of her voice was as sweet as that of a nightingale. And she had a big ol' butt that drove men wild.

Misfortune rode a freight train on that fateful holy day. Merriment was all around, and the booze flowed like the might Amazon river. Proud Eladio could handle the booze, as could his good son Gerald. Even the mischievous nephews Sabtuary and Junni were keeping their cool. Not so, goofy cousin Benjie. No, Benjie Ganay had consumed one mango margarita too many, and this was destined to seal his fate forever.

We know for an absolute fact that Benjie tripped. And when he tripped, he subsequently fell. Before he hit the ground, however, he touched Brenda's stunning butt. He claimed that it was an accident, but imagine what forbidden fury must have gone through Eladio's mind when he saw beautiful Brenda's bodacious butt befouled.

The other family members were left to stew over this incident, drinking heavily in a vain attempt to blot out the horror of Benjie's actions. 'I know', they collectively decided, 'let's take him out of town, stab him, and cook him over an open fire.' And so they did, preparing him in a fine mix of kerosene and coconut leaves.

They didn't mean to eat him, they really didn't, but hey, they were all a little bit wasted, and the flesh of roast Benjie just smelled so doggone good that they soon found themselves nibbling away.

Junnie claims that the taste of Benjie made him hurl, but that rascal Eladio made him eat a few slices at knifepoint. Maybe so, maybe so, all we know for certain is that everybody climbed back into the car along with a heaping platter of Benjie meat, that they proceeded to serve to all of the revelers at the wedding party, which was still in full swing. The guests all found it delicious. 'It was perhaps due to their drunkenness," said a forgiving police spokesman. "They probably didn't know what they were eating."

Life goes on. Benjie munches cheese puffs in heaven. Eladio and the boys have all been arrested, and may even be looking at jail time. And Brenda's butt has made a full recovery.

© 2004, Mark Hoback