Our hearts reach out today to our good friend Tarzan, who is mourning the tragic loss of his tiger, Bobo. Although most people think of Tarzan primarily as the close companion of the apes, in truth he was beloved by most of the animals in the jungle. Lions, tigers, elephants, and hippopotami all counted themselves among his friends.

Tarzan moved away from the jungle back in the 1970's. He stayed in Africa for a few years, but never caught the public's imagination as Tarzan of Zimbabwe. After making a couple of low budget films with Nigerian funnymen Aki and Paw Paw, he retired for good in South Florida.

Tarzan has one of only 10 licenses in the state allowing him to keep exotic animals as pets. Wayne Pacelle, chief executive officer of the Humane Society of the United States, issued the following statement.

"These animals belong in their native habitats in Asia or Africa and they should not be languishing in cages in people's back yards or basements."

Governor Jeb Bush disagreed, saying "Hey man, he's Tarzan, what you gonna do? Sure he's gotten a little old and doughy, but we're proud to have the former King of the Jungle living here in the sunshine state."

The trouble began on Monday evening when Bobo somehow slipped out of his cage on the Tarzan compound. He was spotted late yesterday afternoon in the vicinity of a fence in the neighborhood. Tragedy was sure to follow.

"Please don't go out there without me," Tarzan begged. And yet they did. The officer who found the 600 pound Bengal tiger radioed for the dart team, and waited cautiously. Slowly the tiger turned, teeth bared, step by deadly step. Then it lunged.

"Bang! Bang! Bang!," exclaimed the rifle.

"Well what do you expect? I should get eaten by a tiger?"

"They murdered him," wailed Tarzan. "They murdered him. They murdered my Bobo." Tarzan then proceeded to beat on his chest, emitting his trademark yodel in an attempt to rally all of the creatures of the jungle to seek vengeance on their fallen comrade. A curious cocker spaniel stopped to stare.

Roxanne Feola, a close friend of Tarzan, was on hand to comfort him. She recalled Bobo when he used to drink from a baby bottle, and called him the "sweetest tiger you ever could imagine."

Bobo was survived another tiger, some lions, a panther, a cougar, and God knows whatever else is cooped up on Tarzan's five acre estate. A sign out front states "Trespassers will be eaten."

Appearing on "Good Morning America" this morning, Tarzan made the following statement. "Murder is the word. They murdered a poor helpless animal that only looked ferocious, as any tiger would, but Bobo had a heart of gold."

Tarzan claimed that wildlife officials were laughing after the shooting and that "It was a glorified thing for them."

"Come on, Tarzan," replied wildlife officials. "You're beginning to sound like a big whiny homo."

7/14/04

Tarzan and Bobo and Pig-killin Linda

'The New Adventures of Tarzan' appears to have legs, having generated press for a full four days thus far. By comparison, that's longer than the Bush teams trial balloon on canceling the election lasted.

Lovely Linda of Loxahatchee - home of both Tarzan and Bobo - has gotten herself into a heap of trouble for her treatment of a piglet. Seems Linda loaded the little fella into the trunk of her Cadillac and drove off in an insane mission to help save Tarzan's tiger. From Reuters:

"I was appalled," said Palm Beach County Animal Care and Control Director Diane Sauve. "Carrying an animal in a trunk in 90-degree heat, where it's probably 140 degrees inside, is not acceptable." Meredith had urged sheriff's deputies to hold the piglet by its hind legs or twist its ears to make it squeal and attract Bobo.

Now it looks like Linda's going to be up on animal cruelty charges, and she is appalled, I tell you, totally appalled.

"I can't believe they have the gall," says Linda. "I was just trying to help the tiger find his way back home. Apparently, it's not nice to be nice."

Nice? I suppose the piglet, nicknamed 'Lunchmeat', might have a different take on that.

Hmmpphh. Linda explained that her trunk was air-conditioned, and besides, she planned on eating the porker anyway after he grew up.

As of this writing, Tarzan is in mourning, Bobo is in Tiger Heaven, and Linda is in a snit. The whereabouts of Lunchmeat is unknown.

-7/15/04

Tarzan Revealed to be not-Tarzan

Last night, when dusk came to Loxahatchee, Florida, there was a very special candlelight vigil for Bobo the Tiger. Bobo, age six, was taken away from this mortal coil earlier in the week in a tragic pouncing incident. Hundreds turned out to attend the ceremony.

There was one famous face that did not attend, however, and that person was Tarzan. In a shocking front page story the Miami Herald revealed this morning that the individual known as Tarzan was in fact not-Tarzan, but in reality a D-list actor by the name of Steve Sipek, who claims to have played Tarzan once upon a time in the seventies. Reporters have not been able to verify this.

Sipek, impersonating Tarzan, has been milking the death of his furry friend all week in a series of performances on shows ranging from 'Good Morning America' to 'Good Afternoon America', where he has whined and moaned about murderous wildlife officials.

The Florida Sentinel described the scene last night.

Tarzan arrived about 30 minutes into the 8:30 p.m. vigil, surrounded by a crowd of well-wishers. As Tarzan made his way through the maze of supporters, the alcohol-fueled crowd shouted things like, "Save a tiger, shoot a wildlife officer." A sign held high on Okeechobee Boulevard read: "Who attacked who! Cops or tiger? Tell us the truth!"

Tarzan addressed the crowd, saying, "They killed Bobo because they wanted to kill Bobo. They didn't think we're a family, but this is what Loxahatchee is all about." As he talked, he held up pictures of him and Bobo lying together in bed.

Wildlife officials have been receiving death threats all week long because of Sipek's provocative statements, where he repeatedly called them sadistic murderers. They plan on having a 10:30 AM news conference where they will tell the simple minded Floridians that they have been duped once again. "Yep, he's definitely not Tarzan," said one official. "We'll be holding Sipek in protective custody until the public anger dies down. Unless, heh heh, he escapes from his pen."

7/16/04

not-Tarzan, Beasts, Unharmed in Florida Fire

God continues to punish Steve Sipek of Loxahatchee, Florida, the B-actor who unwisely tried to assume the mantle of Tarzan. One short week after smiting Sipek's beloved pet tiger Bobo, He has visited Sipek's five acre compound and animal Hilton with the fires of Hell.

not-Tarzan, who has spent much of the last week appearing on any television news show that has a couple spare minutes to fill calling local officials sadistic murderers, could not get the fire extinguished immediately, as he had to get a leopard and lioness out of his living room and check the doors on a few of the cages adjoining the house. Then he made a wrong turn.

According to the Palm Beach Post, Sipek and his 9-year-old lioness, Stefi, were trapped inside the compound's gymnasium behind a wall of flames and black smoke. Stefi was going crazy, flying around the weight room as the fire leaped toward them, Sipek said.

And then, I suppose, he was magically rescued, since neither he nor the animals were harmed. "I just looked at my baby (the black panther); she just looked back at me. We're okay."

Still, not-Tarzan has his moments of doubt. "I need to have a talk with the Lord. Is it his doing, or did the devil come down here and doesn't want to leave?"

"He's got a question about it?" asked the Lord, speaking from his suite at Trump Towers where he's currently residing while meeting with members of the Committee to ReElect the President. "It was me, shmuck, I don't like you. Get that through your head, Tarzan boy. And just wait until you see what I've got in store for you next week."

-7/20/04