al-Gator Issues Fatwa on American Media

The Miami Herald (home of this week's best reptile headline: U.S. gator aid is urged) has received a tape believed to have been made by Omar Mississippiensis, head of the powerful Florida-based terrorist group al-Gator.

While the tape is still being studied by the Florida CIA for secret subliminal launch codes and backwards masking, Governor Jeb Bush has revealed the crux of the al-Gator missive.

"Essentially what al-Gator hopes to do is destroy our first amendment so that they can continue to eat our citizens without the coverage that a a free press can provide. They have called for a fatwa against the media, vowing to bite them where they stand. I urge the American media to remain steadfast and continue their outstanding coverage of the terror on our shores. We will never surrender in the face of intimidation, although there is the remote possibility that they could sneak up and eat us while we're napping in the hammock."

The Herald was allowed to release three stills from the video tape including this frightening shot of a 250 pound gator ringing the doorbell at the home of Rush Limbaugh last week at seven in the morning.

"I heard a voice saying 'pizza man' and thought to myself 'now this is odd', since I rarely partake of pizza so early in the day. Then I thought that perhaps it was a pie that I had ordered in the evening, in which case it's delivery was so late as to be laughable. Enough said. Five minutes later, the door rang again and I heard 'candygram', so I had the maid answer the door. Poor Maria never stood a chance. Goddam, do I hate al-Gator."

2006, Mark Hoback