Pat Robertson's Surprising Past Revealed

Pat Robertson emerges from the waters off the coast of Havana

When Pat Robertson called for the murder of Venezuela's President Chavez a few weeks ago, most people simply shook their heads, thinking that the senile old zealot was once again speaking through the wrong orifice. Little did they realize that behind his facade as a fundamentalist fruitcake, there beats the heart of a trained assassin.

In fact, up until the Church Committee hearings during the Ford administration, Pat 'Snake Eyes' Robertson was one of the most feared agents in the shadowy world of government espionage. His exploits were legendary.

In 1960, the thirty year old Robertson was ordered out on his first hit by President Eisenhower. The target: Congo Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. It would not be until 1961, with Lumumba embroiled in a power struggle with head of state Joseph Kasavubu, that Robertson found the right opportunity. Making his way into darkest Africa armed with a vial of deadly ricin poison, a spear gun, and his own razor sharp wits, Robertson broke into Lumumba's residence under cover of the night and poisoned everything in sight. Unbeknownst to Robertson, Lumumba had been kidnapped earlier that day by Congolese military leader Mobutu Sese Seko and subsequently beaten to death. Snake Eyes takes it all with a grain of salt. "If he hadn't been murdered, I would have poisoned the shit out of him. As it was, I was only able to take out his housekeeper, his brother in law, and his dog Muhab."

Robertson's first certifiable hit would not come until 1973, with the assassination of Chilean President Salvador Allende, but such is the nature of the assassination business, where every success is sided by a dozen failures.

A measure of the difficulty of assassination can be seen through Robertson's many unsuccessful attempts on the life of his arch-enemy, Cuba's Fidel Castro. Indeed, Castro once said "If surviving assassination were an Olympic attempt, I would win the gold medal."

"I couldn't kill that son of a bitch for love or money," laughs Snake Eyes. "I mean, forget the Bay of Pigs, I'm talking about your everyday snipings and stranglings. We got so desperate that we would try just about anything. Remember the poisoned wet suit? That would have worked pretty well, I guess. Too bad nobody ever bothered to see if Fidel was into scuba diving. And then we got into the explosives, all the Maxwell Smart nonsense. I'm pretty sure that some of the boys in the agency were into the wacky weed about then. An exploding seashell? Kiss my lily-white ass! Doesn't do a damn bit of good if the motherfucker doesn't pick it up."


"And then, there were the exploding cigars - oh boy. 'Don't worry, Snake Eyes', they told me, 'this is the real deal, these things are going to go off like a stick of dynamite'. Yeah, I suppose... But to use El Productos? Castro wouldn't touch that piece of shit with a ten foot pole. I heard that later on some of his busboys got a hold of them, may they rest in peace. Or should I say, may they rest in pieces, hee hee."

After President Ford signed an executive order banning the assassination of foreign leaders, Robertson's profile was dramatically lowered, although there have been reports that he may have been involved in certain Central American 'diplomatic efforts' during the Reagan administration. Mostly, however, he has been forced to eke out a meager living as a televangelist. But as his latest remarks clearly show, he is still dreaming of his long gone glory days.

 

2005, Mark Hoback