|Pat Robertson's Surprising Past Revealed
Pat Robertson emerges from the waters off the coast of Havana
When Pat Robertson called for the murder of Venezuela's President Chavez a few weeks ago, most people simply shook their heads, thinking that the senile old zealot was once again speaking through the wrong orifice. Little did they realize that behind his facade as a fundamentalist fruitcake, there beats the heart of a trained assassin.
In fact, up until the Church Committee hearings during the Ford administration, Pat 'Snake Eyes' Robertson was one of the most feared agents in the shadowy world of government espionage. His exploits were legendary.
In 1960, the thirty year old Robertson was ordered out on his first hit by President Eisenhower. The target: Congo Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. It would not be until 1961, with Lumumba embroiled in a power struggle with head of state Joseph Kasavubu, that Robertson found the right opportunity. Making his way into darkest Africa armed with a vial of deadly ricin poison, a spear gun, and his own razor sharp wits, Robertson broke into Lumumba's residence under cover of the night and poisoned everything in sight. Unbeknownst to Robertson, Lumumba had been kidnapped earlier that day by Congolese military leader Mobutu Sese Seko and subsequently beaten to death. Snake Eyes takes it all with a grain of salt. "If he hadn't been murdered, I would have poisoned the shit out of him. As it was, I was only able to take out his housekeeper, his brother in law, and his dog Muhab."
Robertson's first certifiable hit would not come until 1973, with the assassination of Chilean President Salvador Allende, but such is the nature of the assassination business, where every success is sided by a dozen failures.
A measure of the difficulty of assassination can be seen through Robertson's many unsuccessful attempts on the life of his arch-enemy, Cuba's Fidel Castro. Indeed, Castro once said "If surviving assassination were an Olympic attempt, I would win the gold medal."
"I couldn't kill that son of a bitch for
love or money," laughs Snake Eyes. "I mean, forget the Bay of Pigs, I'm
talking about your everyday snipings and stranglings. We got so desperate
that we would try just about anything. Remember the poisoned wet suit? That
would have worked pretty well, I guess. Too bad nobody ever bothered to
see if Fidel was into scuba diving. And then we got into the explosives,
all the Maxwell Smart nonsense. I'm pretty sure that some of the boys in the
agency were into the wacky weed about then. An exploding seashell? Kiss my
lily-white ass! Doesn't do a damn bit of good if the motherfucker doesn't
pick it up."
After President Ford signed an executive order banning the assassination of foreign leaders, Robertson's profile was dramatically lowered, although there have been reports that he may have been involved in certain Central American 'diplomatic efforts' during the Reagan administration. Mostly, however, he has been forced to eke out a meager living as a televangelist. But as his latest remarks clearly show, he is still dreaming of his long gone glory days.
©2005, Mark Hoback