Banana Man

I always find myself attracted to the latest Billy Joel accidents. It's not schadenfreude, really, it's more like watching Road Runner cartoons, and being amused by the travails of the coyote. No matter what happens, the Piano Man always comes out okay.

In his third act of vehicular destruction in the past two years, Joel yesterday crashed his car into the house of an elderly woman while on his way to pick up a pizza. (They don't deliver in the Nassau area?) Aside from cracking the foundation of her home and damaging a wall, he took out several very nice shrubberies. 

Tom Phillips saw the accident from the safety of his parent's front yard. "When we found out it was Billy Joel, we were like holy cow, this is Billy Joel," he said, before rounding up the neighbors to help separate house and car.

"I can't believe I got in another accident," Joel laughed as he exited the vehicle. Phillips added. "I think he was embarrassed he lost control - that's why I think he was trying to be a joking guy and laugh it off." Well, either that, or he might possibly have been a little wasted

Like that coyote, Joel survived the accident with only a cut finger, which required no medical attention. Joel's ivory-ticklers have been in constant danger in recent times. Earlier in the month, Billy had to go to an emergency room for stitches after cutting his finger while opening a can of cannellini beans. And last Autumn, he 'slipped' in his house and broke his wrist.

The victim of his car, Maria Dono, told the New York Post, ""I had been working on the yard all morning. It was nice and clean, then I came back and saw all this mess."  She also relayed that she had no idea who the hell Joel ways, but that he wasn't much of a driver. "I'm 94 years old and I still drive. I've never had an accident."

This was Joel's third significant auto accident in less than two years, all of them close to his home. In June of 2002, he crashed his 1999 Mercedes into a fire well after losing control of the car. He required no medical treatment. No charges were filed or field sobriety tests given. ("No problem, Mister Joel. Can I get an autograph for the wife?")

 In January of 2003, Joel crashed his 2002 Mercedes Benz into a tree and had to be cut out of the vehicle. He had to spend one night in the hospital for observation of a bump on his bulbous head. And again, no charges were filed nor field sobriety tests given. Do you really need to ask about last Saturday? Stone cold sober, he was.

Saturday's incident has prompted Joel to write some really bitching lyrics for a new song, to be titled 'Banana Man'.

Well, It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
And I've just gotten through getting high
And my belly lets out with a shout to me
"Lets go get a large pizza pie."

I say, "Son, can you get that with extra cheese?
And mushrooms and sausage as well,
And Canadian bacon would make it complete
And whatever lite beer that they sell"

La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

I'm the really unlucky Piano Man
Buckle your seat belt up tight
I might slip on a friggin banana, man
Cause misfortune walks with me tonight

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a band-aid or tourniquet
Last week he told something to me

He says, "Billy I don't want to ride with you
You're an unlucky son of a bitch"
Well the words had just barely escaped from his mouth
When I drove him straight into a ditch

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Get into the car, I'm the injured man
Buckle your seat belt up tight
Well, we're all in the mood for an accident
Cause misfortune walks with me tonight

I can't  open a can of cannellini beans
Without sticking the lid through my skin
Well I'm talkin' with Davy who's still in the navy
And won't ride in my Mercedes Benz.

And the ex-wife is out doing photo shoots
While the former rock star drinks alone
And I probably will have me an accident
But I bet I won't break any bones.

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

I'm the really unlucky Piano Man
Buckle your seat belt up tight
I might slip on a friggin banana, man
Cause misfortune walks with me tonight

2004, Mark Hoback