Camilla Puts on a Brave Face

Still woozy from the loss of blood caused by two separate wounds - one to her heart, and one a more general overall burning sensation - Camilla Parker Bowles put on her brave face this morning when speaking to the British press.

Camilla: "I realize that I told you just a few hours ago that there was not - not! - to be any postponement of the royal wedding. Mmm, I suppose that was a bit brash of me... I suppose that's one of the reasons one shouldn't start out the morning with mimosas, except for the weekends, when the press isn't out and about so early."

Press: "Was it us, then, that you were calling a bunch of bloody wankers? Eh? Or maybe it was Prince Charlie. Oooh, he wouldn't like that one bit. Care to comment?

Camilla: "First, I did not use the phrase 'bloody wankers'. I simply used the unmodified word wankers, and I did not address it to the press, and I assuredly did not address it to the Prince, who is anything but a wanker."

Press: "Correction, then. I see from the transcript that what you actually said was 'bloody funeral', with 'wankers' being part of a subordinate clause. So, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but can I infer that you are in fact blaspheming the Vatican as a bunch of bloody wankers?"

Camilla: "I implied nothing of the sort. It's you all who are the bleedin' wankers!"

Press: "Bleedin' wankers, then. Us, the press? Sure, and what are you threatening, to cut the Prince off from any slap and tickle?"

Camilla: "I was joking, of course. You should know that the Prince can take me anytime and anyway he wishes."

Press: "Bit distasteful, that."

Camilla: "That's all I intend to say on the matter."

Press: "As you wish. Wots this, then, about the Royal Ring? The lads say you can get one just like it down at the Asda Superstore."

Camilla: "You most certainly can not. My ring was passed down from the Queen Mother Elizabeth and is made of platinum,  and has this big square diamond in the middle and three diamond baguettes on both sides. Priceless really."

Press: "19 down at Asda. Look, The Sun has a picture of it. 'Sterling sterling silver and emerald-cut cubic zirconium'. Black and white. Ready to call the Prince a wanker now?"


2005, Mark Hoback