Naughty Cheerleaders Face Texas Obsolescence

Mary Ruth Hodges performs a routine known as the dirty amputee

We head now to Houston, where the Chronicle has posted at least five stories in the past 24 hours about a topic of even greater importance than Jennifer Willbanks: the passage (65-56) of legislation by the Texas House that would prohibit 'sexually suggestive' cheerleading routines.

"I've seen it with my own eyes," said Rep Al Edwards, the sponsor of the bill. "I've had people talk to me about it at football games. There was just a feeling that people were waiting for something to be done about it." According to the Chronicle, Edwards then went on to assert that 'inappropriate cheerleading routines contribute to a social atmosphere that encourages teen pregnancy, poor scholastic performance, criminality and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases'. He also compared the salaciousness of cheerleading to internet pornography.

FGAQ has sought to investigate this shocking claim. We Googled the word cheerleaders and got an unwieldy two million plus hits. This was a little more than we could handle, so we decided to narrow the field. What would be the most lascivious thing that a cheerleader could possibly do? Perhaps removing their cheerleader outfits, beginning with those tight and enticing little tops, then turning to face us with their perky young breasts peeking from their newfound freedom, then smiling as they slithered out of their short and spicy cheerleader skirts.

We frankly doubted that this search would lead us anywhere, so imagine our surprise when we typed in 'nude cheerleader' and received 828,000 hits! Shockingly, many of these sites had pictures of the aforementioned nude cheerleaders; as a matter of fact, 817,000 of these did. (and is our clicking finger ever sore.) It just gets worse and worse. To investigate Edwards claim of poor scholastic performance, we used the term 'stupid cheerleaders', and found well over a quarter million examples of such. The results of our search for 'pregnant cheerleaders' is far too distressing for us to report.

FGAQ spoke to Rep. Edwards, who would only say 'I told you so. Do you agree with my bill now?" Without a doubt, we replied. Edwards is not resting after his latest victory, however. Next week, he is planning on introducing legislation which would prevent all Texas nurses from wearing those sexy white dresses that you can almost see through if you concentrate hard enough.

 

2005, Mark Hoback