image: Warner Bros.

Following the reinstatement of a ludicrous lawsuit by four blubbery New York teenagers who claim that Chicken McNuggets were the source of their girth, McDonalds Corporation has taken new steps to combat negative implications to their public image. In a less than surprising move, they have named Ronald McDonald as their "Chief Happiness Officer". Among other duties, Mr. McDonald will be visiting elementary schools to promote fitness, and an active balanced lifestyle. When contacted by FGAQ, McDonald, who is known worldwide for his 'dances with fries', expressed surprise with the decision.

FGAQ: We'd like to extend our congratulations.

RM: Sure, man. Thanks.

FGAQ: You sound less than enthusiastic.

RM: Sure. I hate this job. That's the sole reason behind my lack of exuberance. To be perfectly honest, I was quite happy with my old job hawking burgers. I was pretty damn good at it too, and I really hate to think about the repercussions that are bound to follow with the Olsen twins taking over PR duty. "Oh, McDonalds food made me soooo skinny". I mean, dammit man, you don't have to hire friggin Jared, but even if you forgo the delicious burgers and fries, you know, just stick to our special salads, you're living in a fools paradise if you think you're ever going to get that thin hanging out at the golden arches.

FGAQ: If it tastes good, it's probably bad for you, right?

RM: Bingo. I dare you to eat one of our healthful salads without soaking it in dressing. Oh, you can do it, sure. You can poke yourself in the eye with a friggin stick if you want to. I just don't give a damn. I happen to believe in a little something that I call 'free will'. Not a very popular theory these days.

FGAQ: No, it certainly isn't. Well, this should be quite a change for you, Mr. McDonald, hitting the lecture circuit, so to speak.

RM: Sure. At least I won't have to worry about my audience being too sophisticated for me. I can lead the classroom in a round of jumping jacks after I show them the food pyramid. Big fun.

FGAQ: You do get to be a role model...

RM: Oh joy. Oh glorious day. Let me tell you something. I hate having to wear this monkey suit. Whoopie doopie, I've gone from a clown suit to a monkey suit. The clown suit may have looked ridiculous, but what the hey, it was comfortable. It let my balls breathe, you know? Brooks Brothers, forget it. It's not me. But, I'm a company man. I'm going to do the best job I can as CHO, and then in about six months, I'm going out on pension.

FGAQ: Well, good luck to you.

RM: Let me just send a message to any snot nosed kids that may be reading this. You're fat? It's your fucking problem. Go run around the goddamn block. Sue mommy and daddy for not feeding you peas and carrots. I tell you what, you little bastards, maybe we just won't even let you in the place unless you get on the McScales first. It's a thought. How do you think you'd like that? Yeah, we'll put it on the loudspeakers, 'TOO FAT, TOO FAT', yeah, what do you think about that idea? Cause we'd be doing it for your own good. And then we could have our new mascot, Twiggy McDonald, march your obese pimply asses right out to the parking lot.


2005, Mark Hoback