"Hello, is this the man of the house?"

"Talk to me. What do you need? What do you want?"

"Sir, do you like to read magazines?"

"Mañana, dude...."

"One moment, sir. Please. Just one moment of your time is all that I request. Sir, I am attempting to offer you free issues of many of today's most popular periodicals. Surely this is as fine an offer as you are likely to receive today. Did you know that people who read magazines are perceived of as smarter than their counterparts who do not. This is true even if they only look at the pictures. Magazines can make a big difference in your future. Would you be interested in entering our special contest for a seven day all expenses paid trip to Daytona Beach in sunny Florida? There's absolutely nothing to buy."


"So it's just the magazines for you, then? Sir, have you ever been called a scoundrel before? Because today only, I am able to offer you a free subscription to Scoundrel, the magazine that Noam Chomsky calls bathroom fodder of the highest order, a magazine that is, perhaps, even better than the New Yorker. Now your time on the throne can be just as challenging as Noam's. Please hold for address confirmation..."

"Okay.... Mmm mmm mmm ......... doo dee doo.....wah wah....yeah...doo doo dah doo doo down in the street... willie and thos po boys... got nothing to eat...mmm mmm da doo..........

"Belligans. Do you have your order number?"

"Oh, hi. Do you want my address?"

"What the bloody hell would I want your address for? Who are you anyway, and what are you doing calling this number?"

"I was, uh... I was waiting for my free magazines."

"Oh, it's the old free magazine scam again, is it? I hope you're prepared for a good long wait then, sonny boy, because everyone knows there's no such thing as a free magazine. Free magazines, what a load of rubbish."

"The man I was just talking to said that I was going to get a free subscription to Scoundrel, the favorite magazine of Noam Chomsky, and he, uh... this is all falling on deaf ears, isn't it?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Mmm. Okay. Sorry to bother you."

©2006, Mark Hoback