David Blaine was unconscious and having convulsions when they pulled him out of his enormous snow globe on Monday night. His liver and kidney functions were failing, and his damn skin was peeling off. After 177 hours submerged in salt-water, he concluded his performance by holding his breath for a little over seven minutes instead of his goal of nine. But don't call him a loser. According to Marco Frigatti, head of Records Management at the Guinness World Book of Records, he will be honored in the next edition in a new category created specifically for him - Most Idiotic Performer of All Time.

"Wow, that man is wow through and through," said Frigatti, in an exclusive, albeit brief interview with us. "I guess that he first caught our attention when he was bringing dead flies back to life. He might've been first with that stunt - I don't know, but we did give him credit for it because nobody else had a claim in. I mean, flies. Who the fuck cares?"

"Then he did that 'Premature Burial' gig in NYC for seven days, the one with the glass coffin. I mean, I'll admit that there have been a lot of premature burial tricks, but David was the first person to use a glass coffin, where you could see the look on his face when the fine drunks of Brooklyn stopped by to take a piss on his, uh, glass top. Maybe it was plastic, but it was still something special."

"He was a weird bird, that guy. I guess the first time Guinness really started thinking about a special category for him was back when he did that stunt where he had himself frozen into a block of ice on Times Square. That was mind-bogglingly stupid, but what were we supposed to do - create a new category for frozen assholes? I must tell you, the whole Guinness staff was at a loss."

"We lost track of him for a little bit after that. I know that he got involved with Fiona Apple for a short while, but she rejected him and he ended up sitting on a platform about the size of a cutting board out at Bryant Park, and then jumping down to bang his head on a pile of cardboard boxes and suffering a concussion. They said he recovered, but I'm not so sure."

"The next time we noticed him, he was in London, hanging in a 7' x 7' Plexiglas cube for 37 days without any food. That was back in September, 2003, remember, and Tony Blair had long since committed troops to Iraq, so the public was in no way thrilled by American's shenanigans. Yes, it's true. Aside from throwing rotted fruit and eggs, he got to see more that his fair share of titties and bums. I suppose, that was when Guinness began to commit to a special category for him. We're a family publication, so we don't use words such as arsehole, but what we certainly were considering at the time was an idiot award."

"Then this past week - oh my - with the snow globe bit... which we would never even consider creating an award for, we realized that we would have to come up with some kind of a special honor for this man. And that is precisely where the Most Idiotic Performer of All Time award came from."

 

2006, Mark Hoback