Investigation Leads to Doll Cloning Scandal

Totally gratuitous use of Jennifer Wilbanks mug shot

Detective Jerry Mulligan could not initially explain what bothered him about the new Jennifer Wilbanks action figure. The doll appeared to be anatomically
correct in every detail, except, of course, the little joints where the hands and elbows were attached. But really, it was quite fetching as dolls go, wide eyed and smiling in her little jogging crop top. His eyes focused on the pants... Something was wrong. Those weren't jogging trousers. As a matter of fact, Mulligan instinctively knew that a woman with Wilbanks innate sense of style would not be caught dead in such appalling running apparel, opting instead for lycra bike shorts in a complimentary hue. These trousers appeared to belong to a pants suit.

"It all seemed to lead me back to the Hero Builders Custom Doll factory," Mulligan told us, "and to
one inescapable conclusion. These dolls had been cloned. Just take a look at the Hillary Clinton action figure. Yep, you got it right - Jennifer is in Hillary's pants. But it doesn't stop there. See those claw like hands? Identical. And the birth defects? I undressed Hillary, and she has the exact same bizarre deformity of the elbows and the wrists. And uh, how to put this discretely... there's nothing down there, know what I mean?

Indeed, we did know what he meant, and so we
launched our own investigation which found further identical matches with the Condi Rice action figure and the Mamie Eisenhower action figure. Aside from superficial differences, such as somewhat differentiated heads, they were all perfect copies. Although Hero Builders president Jim Bixley strongly denies charges of doll tampering, the Federal Cloning Oversight Board is putting the case on the fast track.



2005, M Hoback