I Think You're Gonna Like This Guy

Hey guys, it's Joey Stark again, the guy with tips for guys that guys can use. And I got a question. Is it just me, or is this judge Sam Alito really on to something? I mean besides the fact that he's from the hood and has an honest to God good strong normal kind of name going for him. Okay, so he's a Camden boy, but he's been around Philly for long enough to be one of us so go on and get outta here.

I see this guy down at the BullsEye all the time, sitting up by the rail sucking down Genesee Cream Ales, watching the Phillies or the Eagles or the 76ers. And when the Broad Street Bullies are on, there he is buying the bar rounds every time one of the Flyers takes a stick to the side of some losers head. "Hey Sammy, you see that? Guys gonna be eating apple sauce for the next month." Man, he just laughs like some kinda maniac. Good guy.

I didn't even figure the dude was a judge until after I'd know him about five years. I mean, he dresses real normal, none of that robes garbage. Like what the hell is that? You're walking around in a long black dress and I'm supposed to listen to what you got to say? Except for the chick judges, although that's not exactly a hot look if you know what I mean.

So, yeah, of course you gonna like the guy, but for the sake of all you out-of-towners, I'm talking about his mind, not just his mouth. When I read that Sammy was gonna have a shot at the big court, I decided to do a little research, him being the biggest star coming out of here since Randall Cunningham or something. Okay, okay, I exaggerate a little bit, but the point is he done good. Listen to Joey Stark and learn a little something, why doncha.

So, how many of you guys like uppity broads? Lets see a show of hands. Huh? You, punk, get outta here before I have to kick your ass. Hey, just kidding Vito, I know you like anything in a skirt. Let me play it out for you. Your old lady walks in here and says, 'Hey, Joey, I just got an abortion, ya know, so buy me a double cause I'm feeling down in the dumps'. You did what, bitch!? You'd probably be ready to knock her block off. First because she told me instead of you, but that's okay, the ladies just like Joey. But all kidding aside, you'd be ready for some pile-driving because the doctor didn't call you ahead of time to get your permission. Won't be like that if Sammy gets on the bench cause he doesn't cater to that sort of treacherous bullshit. You'd have ample opportunity to knock some sense into that little slut's head.

Okay, lets look at some other examples, cause that one was too easy. Let's say you're going down to the store cause you need a new machine gun, and the guy behind the counter says 'Hey, Joey, what's the matter with you, you know congress passed a law says you can't get a new machine gun any more', and you say 'Get outta here. What about my second amendment rights?' and the guy says 'I dunno, Joey, maybe you should write a letter to Judge Alito or something'.

And he's a practical guy, too, got a lot of good common sense, except for him betting me that the Astros would take the White Sox in six. Sucker! Yeah, but other than that. Like in Jersey City, down at City Hall they had a Christmas display of the little baby Jesus. No problem, right? Wrong. The A fucking CLU comes up and says, 'Hey, you can't have the little baby Jesus in a display cause it might offend some Jew or something', and Sammy says 'Hey, no problem, just trade out one of those three wise guys for Frosty the Snowman and we'll call it secular'. Genius.

You want a guy like this? Of course you do, you moron, I'm just testing you here. So yeah, Joey Stark is telling all you guys to write your pencil-neck geek of a senator and tell them 'Hey, confirm this guy, why doncha?'


2005, Mark Hoback