Yo! Watch Those Questions, Ya Moron!

Hey guys, it's Joey Stark again, with tips for guys that guys can use. I'm going to skip right past the sports and lifestyle crap today, and talk to you about the lay-dees. Don't tell me you don't need my advice. You tell me you don't need my advice, I'm gonna have to come over there and give you a severe ass kinking. What, you gonna listen to me tell you about how it's a cool idea to wear a belt that matches your shoes when you're going on a job interview, and then tell me you don't need my advice on pulling babes? Oh sure, I hear ya, "Hey Joey, I can pull plenty of babes on my own, thank you very much." Yeah, right pal, you can pull 'em, but tell me how many you ever see a second time? (I mean, if you want to). That's what I thought.

You don't know how to talk to girls, do you? Not after your first coupla pick up lines, like 'Your legs must be tired, cause you've been running through my mind all night', or 'Heaven must be missing an angel, cause you sure got some great cans'. Okay, guys, those are some excellent lines, but there's something more to the art of conversation than that. See, after you got the honey chilling by your side, you need to serve her some conversation along with those vodka tonics.

"Hey, Joey," I hear ya sayin, "in last weeks column you told me to get the chicks to be talkin' about themselves". Okay, you retard, that's what I said, but not every question will elicit the sort of response that you might want to hear when your hound dog comes out to holler, if you know what I mean, and I think that you probably don't. Elsewise, why would you even be reading Joey Stark's 'Advice For Guys'? Got an answer for that one, smart guy?

So, even more important than the questions you might wanna ask to get a conversation progressing towards the back of your van, are the questions that you don't want to ask at all. Believe me, this is important stuff I'm telling you here. I am the one writing the column, am I not? And you're a bunch of loser schmucks. So here they are, to help you bozos out, the top ten questions that you should never ask a babe when you're trying to score on the first date. Or encounter, or whatever. How the hell am I supposed to know?

10. Did you get those shoes at Pay-less?
- Hey, she probably did. I dunno, you probably think you're being complimentary about her thriftiness, but it just doesn't work. Who knows why? You go down to Pay-less, and what do you see? Chicks. Go figure.

9. If you're feeling too stuffed, you want me to eat that meatball for you? This will make a girl feel like she's a big fat pig who shouldn't be shoving yet another meatball into her goddamn mouth. I figure if you're sitll hungry, just order some chicken wings for yourself. You wanna get laid or what?

8. Ginger or Maryanne? Everybody's got fantasies, which is what makes the 'who would you do' game such a popular icebreaker in big groups. But it's surprising how many chicks, once you're one on one, don't want to play unless you phrase it in a 'Brad Pitt vs. Tom Cruise' kinda format, and man, you don't even wanna go there.

7. Which side of the family has all the body hair? It's an interesting question, specially if your date has one of those Italian-like mustaches or something. Hey, my mother wasn't ashamed of hers, but some girls may think you're examining them too closely. Try looking at her tits instead.

6. You know who's a world class cunt? This is one of those crazy chick things. Like, hey, if you get in the good, this is a question you're gonna be hearing from her with great regularity. Blab, blab, blab. Melanie is such a cunt, she won't stop talking bout her hockey playing boyfriend who just happens to take all the cheap shots at all the cheap slots? Oh man, understand it or not, you're gonna end up hating this sort of talk, so why be the one to initiate it, if you know what I mean.

5. Do you mind driving me to your place if I get too drunk to make it home? Of course she isn't going to mind, not if you got some decent wheels, anyway. And you're showing what a loser you are just by asking. Get the hell out of my face.

4. Did you just fart? Let's look at this question logically. Most chicks are in denial about the necessity of passing gas, unless of course they're already drunk, in which case, what's your problem? And if it's just the two of you alone, you already know the answer. So the best thing for you to say is 'nice one'.

3. Ever see the inside of a cat? I don't know. It's the Venus and Mars thing all over again. Like she never took high school biology - give me a friggin' break. Just be glad that that she doesn't like to cut things.

2. What'sa matter? You got your period or something? Yeah, man, she does. If she's dissin' you, that's probably what the problem is. So keep it in check, Mister Softee. If you think you know, you know.

1. What the fuck did you do to your hair? Bad move, guys, no matter how appropriate the question is. This is one question that I've learned from experience is not going to produce a satisfactory response. I mean, there might be a real funny story where you both could get a good laugh, but forget about it.

Hey, I'm not trying to explain the inexplicable here. That's already been done, back in my February column, 'Chicks Don't Make a Damn Bit of Sense'.  I'm just passing on some tips for guys that guys can use, so that maybe even a loser like you can get lucky once in a while. Until next time, this is Joey Stark, keeping it real.


2005, Mark Hoback