Hey! What the hell is this all about?

So I'm reading the newspaper, right, you know, trying to see if the Pistons are still hanging in there. I got half a C on there being a game seven. And there you go, my boys didn't disappoint me, holding the Spurs back 95-86. Beauty. I was just getting ready to call Pinkie and tell him to let my money ride on to Thursday, but put it on the Spurs this time. I don't think we're gonna see a Cinderella story line here.

But first I come across this article that blows my mind. It's about how the Chicago police department is putting these guys' pictures on the internet if they think that they're looking for action. What the hell is that all about? What the hell is going on in this country when the cops wanna bust your balls just for seeking out a little nookie? What the hell ever happened to the land of the free and the home of the regular guy like you and me? Solicitation my ass. We're talking about a legitimate business transaction. So I say to myself, 'Joey, you better check this thing out'.

And what the hell is the first thing I see? It's Vinnie, from back in the old neighborhood. And he's not looking so good, I hate to say. Bad haircut, Vinnie, way too short. You gotta give the chicks something to run their fingers through, are you crazy with that marine shit or what? And you're wearing a wife beater out in public when you get your picture taken? It's a loser look dude. If you gotta dress like that, at least go for something black. Oh man, I wash my hands of you.

I looked through the photos and didn't see anybody else I knew, but they all got one thing in common. They all need a little fashion advice from Joey Stark, the guy with with tips for guys that guys can use.

Take this fellow. Javier. What a fucking disaster. A shlub is what we used to call guys like this around my part of town. Just shlubing around, hands in the pockets. Maybe he's got a piece of toilet paper sticking to his shoe, how would I know? Listen to me guys, pay a little attention to your frigging posture. You actually think you're gonna find yourself a nice looking whore going around looking like this? Bad choice in t-shirt too, Javier. Next time try something in black.

Oh boy, where do we start with this shmuck? This is Joey Stark here, not Superman, I only got so much advice to give. You look like a guy with an attitude, first off, and I wanna kick your ass just on general principles. What the hell is up with that old man hair, pieces of it flying into the wind and whatnot. And the little beard makes you look like you've been wrestling with a gravel sprayer. Not to mention the earring that you stuck in your ear. Ever hear of a diamond stud? I thought not. Next time, lose the plaid, why doncha?

Okay, Antonio, why not just wear a sign on top of your goddam head that says kick me, why doncha? Good idea, huh? You gonna cry? Looks like you're gonna turn on those waterworks. That's really gonna turn on the ladies, like you're a real sensitive guy or something. You got a job at the Polo Jeans factory, do you? Cause otherwise Joey Stark can't see any reason for wearing a shirt that advertises anything other than Joey Stark. Get wise, and maybe we'll see a little happier expression next time.

Whoa! I thought this was a chick here! How the hell are you supposed to pick up chicks looking like a chick? My mind has been boggled, Henery, and I'm really struggling trying to figure out what advice I can give to help you out. Okay, first off, try a little something in a black, you know, like a black t-shirt is always a winner. And the lip gloss freaks me out a big time - I mean, what if I was in your neighborhood and trying to pick you up ? That would be an embarrassment to the both of us, and then I'd have to kick your ass.

All right, at last somebody that knows how to dress halfway decently. Nice shirt - a J.C. Penny if I'm not mistaken - nice nylon racer jacket, even a pretty good haircut. The only problem, Lin-Shou, is that you are butt ugly. The babes don't ever go for the ugly guys unless the rent is overdue, and that's something a guy just can't bank on. Maybe spend a little less time on the wardrobe, and save those bucks for a good dermatologist.

Okay, guys, I understand. Sometimes you may go to the bar and not get all that lucky. It's happened to a couple of buddies of mine, back before they started listening to my advice. If you have to hit the streets, take a little time on your appearance. Maybe you'll get your picture taken - thank you very much mister hot shot mayor Richard Daley - and maybe you won't. But take this advice from Joey Stark - vanity in the pursuit of bagging chicks is no crime.


2005, Mark Hoback