MSNBC: At the top of the hour, we have disgusting new details about the shocking treatment of the suspected JonBenet slaughterer...

CNN: John Mark Karr was unexpectedly bumped into first class while...

Food Network: ...in his luxurious first class seat, riding alongside the rich and famous...

FOX: Quite frankly, I'm not even sure what pâté is but I know that Karr certainly didn't deserve...

Food Network: ...drinking champagne along with his yummy pâté, and not just any champagne either. This was...

CNN: ...with walnut dressing, and it appeared to me that he was thoroughly enjoying himself. He was drinking a Heineken and...

MSNBC: ...video of JonBenet in her cute little cowgirl outfit, which some authorities suspect may have sexually excited the pâté eating pedophile. We still...

FOX: ...and I understand that the main course was fried King Prawn along with steamed rice and broccoli...

CNN: ...the six year old beauty queen, who as I'm sure you recall, was viciously choked to death. It's still unclear whether Karr...

FOX: No, Sean. King Prawn is not the ruler of Denmark. That would constitute an act of regicidal cannibalism...

CNN: ...which he was seriously considering, along with a second beer. How do we know? We'll be talking later this hour with...

MSNBC: ...well known sex-change doctor Regina Winston will join us to discuss the tie between pedophilia and...

CNN: ...inconceivable that they would allow this man to eat King Prawn while a little girl...

MSNBC: ...already had his facial hair removed. Authorities are eager to see just what he has in those pants. When he...

FOX: I know what a jumbo shrimp is Allen. All of us can't be familiar with the French...

CNN: John Mark Karr then crushed the beer can, perhaps with the same hands that crushed the life out of little JonBenet. He then ordered up a nice glass of...

MSNBC: Valrhona chocolate cake? My god, that's an incredibly sexy desert. You've got to wonder if...

Food Network: ...merlot? Can you believe that, Vicki? Merlot with fried King Prawn?

FOX: ...a prawn-eating sex-change child-killing pedophile a glass of wine when all the regular people in coach...

Food Network: ...certainly guilty of bad taste.

 

©2006, Mark Hoback