It's a Beautiful World

Yes, I know it's true. Those of us in the mainstream media (NYT), as well as those of us in the imaginary media (FGAQ) are far too eager to look at the the negative side of the news. When we look at Iraq and Afghanistan, we tend to focus on the death and mayhem instead of the schools being painted and, well, the schools being painted. They're really quite lovely. While it's probably too late for Fried Green to be trumpeting the good news from Baghdad, we feel that we are right on time to report the good news from Pyongyang.

On Friday, North Korean scientists announced a stunning new breakthrough in the country's thriving cosmetic industry, a new miracle skin cream which not only gives you a more supple complexion, but also fights wrinkles and lightens moles and freckles. The solution is made from bean paste, which up till now had been wasted as a source of food in the starving nation.

The government news agency reports that "They analyzed in a scientific way why the hand skin of those who are making bean paste is smooth and fair." Yes, that's science at it's finest. Why do the bean paste makers have such soft and supple skin?

Hundreds of Korean women were locked up in one of Pyongyang's notorious cosmetic camps as scientists searched for the answer, slathering variations of the beat paste formula on the fortunate volunteers night and day, until they emerged six month later, their skin radiant and glowing like the morning skies of Hamhŭng.

What's the secret? General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, Chairman of the National Defense Commission, and Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army Kim Jong il isn't telling. "Very great secret indeed, perhaps key to North Korea's emergence as reader of the new mirrenium. Word to United States: attack us and your women wirr forever be denied comprexions rike those of our women. They wirr curse you for the rest of your days, and they wirr be justified."



2006, Mark Hoback