photo by Matthias Heitmann Vladimir

Sad times for American Women have been fully documented this week, as a new demographic study found that a majority of the nation's female species were living so all alone, without a man of their own.

A New York Times survey finds that 51% of American Women are lonely oh so lonely they could die. And die they do, as initial reports suggest that as many as all of these subjects eventually shuffle off this mortal coil.

"They are sad things, these women," says Norma Bates, Chairwoman of the Tuskegee Family Faith Foundation. "Sad, sad, sad. It's a wonder that they opt to keep on living. In spite of the fact that most of these... these women are homosexuals, there is a significant number of them who have never picked up the requisite skills necessary to please a man. Perhaps if they would invite Jesus into their lives, they would learn how to swallow and how to make a pot roast."

Leslie Talbot, the lonely and talented author of Singular Existence, has learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. "It's true," she says, Marlboro poised piteously on her quivering lower lip. "They've found me out. All this talk about controlling my own destiny, living life on my terms, and refusing to settle for a less than ideal relationship? It's all a big lie. If I could only put down one toilet seat this year, I'd die happy."

Not everyone, however, is so downbeat. Just ask concrete magnate Joey Stark of Cherry Hill, New Jersey what he thinks of these startling statistics, and his face will light up in a 60-watt grin. "Fifty-one percent? Damn, I like those odds. I'm studying the stats and I'm laying out a game plan. You know, the lonely graph skewers even higher in the Northeast, particularly in your urban areas, and whadaya know, I can hop on the freeway and be in Philly in twenty minutes. And with the smarts I've got, I can get lucky - just a ballpark figure - but I'm guessing I can get lucky at least half the time."


2007, Mark Hoback