McCartney Superhero Even Better Than Ringo

Unnamed Man rescues puppies from Doctor Lunch

The WB network today announced plans to begin shooting a new summer series starring aging rocker Paul McCartney in the role of a musician who moonlights as a superhero, and whose love for animals is his only weakness.

"He melts at the sight of a baby elephant or chimpanzee," says director Robert Townsend. "The bad guys know this, so they've always got a kitten ready to drop in the volcano, metaphorically speaking".

The hero, as yet unnamed, will have several remarkable powers, including the ability to communicate telepathically with the common folks and the power to play a catchy little ditty on a multitude of musical instruments at a moments notice.

"It's not like he can just play drums, and that's all," says Townsend. "It's a much more well-rounded character than that. For example, there's one episode where he'll play harpsichord while suspended in ultraspace".

McCartney frowns when we ask why this new project comes so close on the heels of former Beatle Ringo Starr's announcement of his upcoming series with Stan Lee.

"Not a fair question, mate. He tried slipping one through on me, obviously. I've had this idea for years and years, and just haven't gotten around to it till now. Seemed to me that Superbowl week would be the perfect time to announce a new Superhero. Right? Right."

"Is Ringo the star of the Superbowl? Not last time I checked. That honor belongs to yours truly. Can Ringo write the most popular melodies of all time? Back off, boogaloo. Not to speak ill of the dead, but the other lads were always nicking my best ideas".

We remained somewhat skeptical. Why is there still no name for his character, as he claims the shooting is scheduled to begin in March?

"Ah, that has been a right can of worms, mate, I'll tell you that. We thought we might name the character The Music Man, but then someone showed me this movie with Robert Preston. Bloody awful. Didn't want to be associated with that."

"Then we were going with 'Mr. Bass Man' until we got a cease and desist from some joker who calls himself Johnny Cymbal. Wanted 500 pounds, and his song in the title bit. Fat chance."

" 'Piano Man?' No dice. The name 'Trombone Man' was free, but my character doesn't play horns. We finally settled on 'Beatle Man'. That was till last Friday. Then we got a call from Yoko..."


2005, Mark Hoback