McCullough Named as New CBS News Anchor


"And that's the way it is. I promise."

Top CBS executive Les Moonves announced this morning that after a brief stint by Bob Schieffer, the CBS news anchor job will be filled by nine year old presidential spokesman Noah McCullough.

"We definitely need to bring some new blood into this organization," Moonves said at the news conference where he announced the decision. "With Dan leaving, after his many years of loyal service, we wanted to shake things up, and Noah is just the boy to do it."

Many better known names have been batted around in the weeks leading up to this decision. Shepard Smith, Leslie Stahl, and Carrot Top have all been mentioned as possible candidates for the job. But you can count Katie Couric as one newscaster who was not surprised by the choice.

"When I interviewed Noah on the today show, he really caught me by surprise. I was expecting some precocious little know it all mouthing memorized stock lines about Social Security privatization. But he was surprisingly knowledgeable on the topic. To be honest, the little dickens ran circles around me."

Moonves feels the selection of McCullough is a pragmatic one as well. "We hope to start pulling a younger demographic with this move, and at the same time, retain our elderly viewers. This gives us a potentially much greater advertising base, allowing us, for example, to follow a Depends ad with one for Pampers, or slot Levitra with Twizzlers."

Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone chuckles with delight at the very thought of the McCullough hire. "Most everyone knows that Noah plans to run for president in 2032, and if they don't, well, we'll make sure they're aware of the fact by the time the lad hits the air. It's a win-win situation. We benefit by having the future president of the most powerful country on earth lend his credibility to the noble institution that is CBS News, and he has the opportunity to build a reputation as the most trusted man - I mean boy - in America."

Sumner lowers his voice, and speaks thoughtfully. "You know, I've heard a lot of idle chatter about Noah being America's Cousin Oliver. What a painfully wrong assumption. That little nerd nearly ruined 'The Brady Bunch'. No, I think of Noah as being more like the wise and wonderful Ernie on 'My Three Sons'... really, the glue that kept that surprisingly non-nuclear family together after the sudden demise of elder son Mike."

"People just love watching those TV kids grow up," Sumner continues. "With Noah signed to a seven year contract - with options! - folks will be able to watch him grow from a cuddly pipsqueak into a hyper-talented young man. Just imagine the hijinks, the heartache, the romance - all while getting the best darn news coverage in the land."

2005, Mark Hoback