Yesterday, I'm at this chain store, Big Lots, where they buy big lots of crap and sell it to you at a deep deep discount.

Their stock consists of discontinued items, test market over-runs, safety product recalls, and warehouses full of any sort of trash that other smaller chains might have in bulk after the final days of their 'Going out of business for sure' sales. It's a place where you can risk your life on a can of Bumblebee Pink Crabmeat and still get change back from a dollar.

Wandering the always surprising snack aisle, I come across a big-ass shelf full of 'Dirt McGirt Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips'. Being the hipster that I am, I sez to myself, 'hey, that's an alias of Ol' Dirty Bastard from the Wu Tang Clan!' Which is kind of stupid, because if you go by the handle of Ol' Dirty Bastard, what the heck do you need an AKA for? (although if you believe Wikipedia, ODB  had a million of them, including 'Freeloading Rusty', 'Big Box of Chili', and 'Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant'.)

The first thing thought that comes to my mind is, 'I am so going to buy a cartload of these at 80 cents a bag', because who knows more about quality potato chips than a rapper? I mean, if you were to offer ODB an inferior chip, I'm pretty sure that he would blast a cap in your ass.

Except for the fact that he's dead. Long term dead, too, three years in November. So the second thought to enter my brain is 'How old are thosse motherfuckin' chips'? (See! Just looking at those chips made me swear like a rapper!)

They've gotta be some ancient chips; the Rap Snacks site doesn't even acknowledge that they ever existed, having now fully divested into Yung Joc Cheese Curls (a brand which I truly hope has more zest and excitement than Young Joc himself. You need some ODB sour cream & onion chips to wake you up after listening to that shit). Worse yet, they've turned their entire potato chip franchise over to former child-rapper Romeo (please, for the love of God, don't click that link!). Clearly, given Rap Snack's current offerings, you're gonna wanna go with a bag of Bastards.

But Jeez Louise, ODB died of a pretty impressive heart attack (never a good thing as a chip marketing factor) caused by a fatal overdose which included having a plastic bag of coke in his belly. (Police called the death accidental, which makes it hard to not think of ODB as a man who would eat anything). A Rap Snacks nightmare with no solution in sight. Those chips are definitely reaching their third anniversary, so their expiration date is probably right around the corner.

Clearly, the aesthetic center of my brain was shut off that afternoon, as I left the store without a single bag of Ol' Dirtys. What the heck was I thinking? No way that I'm not going back to Big Lots today.

 


2007, Mark Hoback