Loss of Veterans Data Raises Concerns

New worries befell the Department of Veteran Affairs today as 26.5 million American veterans received new Oreck XL Ultra vacuums (with hypo-allergic filtration) that they had not been expecting. The vacuums were sent with a thirty-day free trial, so it is not immediately known whether veterans financial data had been compromised, or even whether there was any connection between this incident and the recent loss of personnel data by the Veteran Affairs office.

Some conspiracy theorists even postulated a correlation between this incident and the mass mailing of 26.5 million free introductory issues of Vogue, Vanity Fair, and Modern Bride magazines that occurred late last week, an incident that nearly brought the Postal Service to it's knees.

"It's just a coincidence," said Jim Nicholson, the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. "And a lucky coincidence at that. Who wouldn't want a new Oreck upright vacuum with improved cleaning performance? My God, you can pick up a bowling ball with those things. You try doing that with any ordinary vacuum."

Bill Hedron of Knoxville, Tennessee isn't so certain. "Sure, I get to try it for thirty days risk free. But then it's incumbent on me to pack it up and send it back to the factory. And what should I do if I like the new Oreck? It's 499 dollars. I'm on a fixed income. I can't afford to vacuum like the stars."

Attorney General Gonzales is monitoring the situation carefully. "I smell a fish. It seems to me highly unlikely that 26.5 million veterans would all have suddenly developed such a heightened interest in vacuuming, and I'm betting that most of them don't read Modern Bride either. There seems to be an angle here - something domestic, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Someone's got hold of those veterans accounts and we've got to stop them. The next package could well be 12 free CDs from Columbia house."


2006, Mark Hoback