Holidays with Ozzy
(CNN) LONDON, England -- Ozzy Osbourne fought
off a burglar in his country mansion before the intruder jumped from a
second-floor window and escaped with an accomplice and a "large amount" of
Burglar: Get out of my way or by Christ I'll throw you out of my way.
Ozzy: I mmm uhh uhh... I'm not an old woman... I I'm I'm the King of Darkness.
Burglar: Right. Right you are. Sure you don't mean Queen of Darkness, do you there? Very well, then. Let's be off with you.
Ozzy: I I just turn on the light, just turn it on to look, and there you are standin in me flat, and I think, what the fuck is going on... right. Well?
Burglar: Well, what?
Ozzy: Well, what the... what the fuck is going on?
Burglar: Are you fucking blind? I'm a burglar, I am... notice the watch cap? I'm burglarizing your jewelry... well, I would be burglarizing your jewelry, given half a chance. Now run along, old woman, before I give you a right whacking.
Ozzy: I'm uhh I'm not a bleedin old woman, and the bleedin jewelry isn't mine.
Burglar: Well, I don't suppose you mind if I take it in that case...
Ozzy: Those are my wife Sharon's things. SHARON! SHAAARRROOONNN! Bloody 'ell, she can sleep through most anything.
Burglar: Will you kindly put a sock in it, oh king of darkness, before I have to whack you with my rather large stick.
Ozzy: Mmm uh stick okay. So you don't have a knife, then?
Burglar: Well, not a knife, no, but I am a big strong man, and my stick is from... hey, hey, get off of me old woman, hey, ouch, OUCH, that's my ear you just bit, hey... OWWWW!
Ozzy: Got you in a headlock now, I do.
Burglar: OWWWW, ME HEAD!
Ozzy: Where's your stick now, ya looney. Quit staring at me! Quit staring at me with those terrifying eyes of yours!
Burglar: I'll show you staring. I'll stare you into the fucking grave.
Ozzy: I'll drop you out of the bleedin window if you try.
Burglar: Not that! No, no, not that! We're up on the second floor here! I could twist me ankle. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sir or madam, for your inconvenience. Let me loose and I'll jump out all nice and proper, you know, tuck and roll.
Ozzy: Well all right, then.
Burglar: 'ere I go. Geronimo... ouch... ouch... me knee... ouch... crazy old woman...
© 2004, Mark Hoback