Hello boys and girls. Merry Christmas from Hulk. Or Happy Holidays if you are pagan. Hulk is Christmas colored, so prefers to reference birth of Jesus. You have problem with that? Hulk snap you in two like flimsy matchstick.

Hulk has new book to read. Many ask, what Hulk been reading lately, besides 'Chicken Soup for the Hulk'? Ha. Hulk humor. Hulk read 'Lunar Park' by Bret Easton Ellis, and Hulk get cataclysmic  headache, resulting in rampage through New Orleans. No one notice. Hulk read 'Our Endangered Values' by Jimmy Carter and then destroyed Detroit. Just the south side.

Hulk need to relax. Read something about Japan, which has monsters of it's own. Something historical, with whore in it. Just the thing, says St. Martin's Griffin, publisher of Hulk's first book, 'The Wee Pony'. Send Hulk advance copy of 'The Apprentice' by Scooter Libby. Hulk roar with disapproval. No no, says cowering publisher, this not political tome. Being brilliant scientist, Hulk skeptical.

On first page, Hulk reads about hunch-back dwarf. Ha, ha. Freak. Hulk only freak part of time, and even then, no one dares to laugh. Also, little girl in yellow fur. Hulk friend of children, even little slant eyed ones. Hulk read on. Apprentice show up. Apprentice for what, Hulk asks. Apprentice pervert, spying on little girl in bath. Hulk feels stirring in big green nether-regions.

Hulk have no pride, and rapidly flips pages with his massive fingers, looking for dirty parts. Hulk has no problem.

"The young samurai's mother had the child sold to a brothel, where she swept the floors and oiled the women and watched the secret ways. At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest. Groups of men paid to watch. Like other girls who have been trained this way, she learned to handle many men in a single night and her skin turned a milky white."

ARRRRGHH!!! Hulk conflicted. Hulk friend of children. Hulk loses stiffy and grows temper. Little girl befouled by bear? ARRRRGHH!!! Hulk momentarily turns into mild mannered Bruce Banner and writes angry letter to congressman, then remembers that congressman sent Army to kill Hulk, so turn back into big green monster. ARRRRGHH!!!

Calm down, Hulk, calm down, Hulk, calm down, Hulk, calm down, Hulk, calm down, Hulk, calm down. Okay. Hulk better. Cincinnati safe. Okay. Hulk read more.

“At length he walked around to the deer’s head and, reaching into his pants, struggled for a moment and then pulled out his penis. He began to piss in the snow just in front of the deer’s nostrils. He asked if they should fuck the deer."

Hulk can only shake head and wonder - did freak Libby ever go hunting with boss and Hulk impersonator Dick Cheney?

 

©2005, Mark Hoback