A Perfect Ending to a Really Bad Year

Dick Clark is not the only entertainer who will be absent on this years 'Rockin New Year's Eve' show, the first one he's missed in thirty-five years. Among other people to not appear on the show are Eminem, Jenna and Barbara Bush, Elvis's bloated corpse, The Pixies, Arcade Fire, Sean Penn, the guy who invented steam, Madonna, and the previously announced debut of The Wheatles (McCartney, Townsend, Daltry & Starr).

"Hey there, Regis."

"Hello, Carrot Top. Are you ready to rock!"

"Ready, willing, and able, Regis. I understand that we've got some great guests with us tonight."

"Indeed we do, CT. We've got the incredible Hillary Duff. We've got country music superstar Kenny Chestnut. We've got another Kenny of a different stripe..."

"Huh. A two Kenny night, right Regis?"

"A three Kenny night, Carrot Top! We've also got Kenny G. and Kenny Rogers. Ashlee Simpson is here with us via live video feed. And if that isn't enough to rock your world, we've got legendary rock band, the Grass Roots."

"Wow, Rege, that is certainly a cracker-jack line-up. So how about you - are you ready to rock?"

"Glad you asked me that, CT. I most definitely am not ready to rock. What the heck am I even doing here? I'm way too old for this gig."

"Aww, you're never too old to rock, Regis."

"Take it from me, Carrot Top, my groove thing will never shake again. I'm so old that when somebody asks me if I wear boxers or briefs, I have to tell them 'Depends'. Bada boom!"

"Whoa. You don't mean that, Regis."

"Fugedhaboutit.  I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. Ready to rock? Ha. I'm so old that I've turned into a rock. I'm so old that my breast size is 38 long. Bada bing!"

"Uh... What?"

"I'm so old that often these days I'm really frightened to lift anything heavy out of fear that I might have a coronary."

"Ah, Jeez, Regis, lighten up."

"I'm sorry, CT. Maybe my lunch was off, like they didn't cook something enough, and I guess I'm feeling a bit queasy. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm so old that when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick. Bada boom boom boom. But I'm not going to stand here and complain about it. The rest of you can rock, okay? With my blessing. So let's go to our first guest, the very rockin Clay Aiken..."


2004, Mark Hoback