run through

“I don’t know… I don’t think I look all that much like Saddam.”

“You kidding me, Ahmed? You’re a dead ringer. And the glasses will throw off anyone who might be suspicious”

“Really? How so?”

“Because they don’t look like Saddam glasses. Reverse psychology. They’ll think ‘If this guy was an imposter, he’d be wearing Saddam glasses.’ It’s a good plan. It’ll work. Now let’s take that speech from the top.”

“Okay… In the name of God, most merciful, most compassionate. Those who are fought as they are treated unjustly, we're granted permission to fight and God will give them victory. Twentieth of March, 2003 corresponding to Seventeenth of the Muharram of 1422 Hejira… Do you really think it’s a good idea to say the date like that?”

“What you mean? That’s the right date – the seventeenth of the Muharram of 1422 Hejira ”

“It just sounds kind of canned, you know. Unnatural.”

“Trust me. That’s Saddam.  Pick up where you left off, and try to mangle the language a bit more. You’re coming off as way too coherent.”

“Got it… The criminal, the criminal junior Bush committed, he and his aides, his crime that he was threatening Iraq with and humanity as well. His criminal act comes from -- and the act of those who helped him, and his followers. This is added to the series of their shameful crimes against Iraq and humanity. This is a start for other additional crimes. How’s that?”

“You’re rolling man.”

“Oh, Iraqis and those who care in our nation, sacrificing for you and for the values of our nation and the banners of fighting, and for it's religion, and for the soul, the family, the son. And here I will not repeat what should be said.”

“Oh baby, you the Saddam!”

“Thanks. I’m still a little worried about my appearance. I think I’m a little skinny for the part.”

“Don’t worry about it. The camera’s gonna add twenty pounds.”

“If you say so… It is a duty on all people, good people, repeat what has to be done to protect and defend this dear nation and the values and the sacreds. But I will say to each, this is a must on all of us. But I say on any of us -- on each of us in the family of Iraq, the believing, the honest family, that is being treated unjustly by its enemies, on all of us, on each of us, we have to remember what was said and what was pledged.”

“Be taught by your instincts that Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar, when a Frenchman walks in and asks them what they are conspiring to do. Bush says, "We're planning World War III." The Frenchman is appalled by this, and asks for more information. Powell replies "We're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman." The Frenchman is stunned, "Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

“Hold it, Omar. That’s not in the script.”

“I know. I thought it could use a little humor.”

“No.”

“It’s a little dry…”

“Read my lips. No!”

“But if you just…”

“Saddam doesn’t joke, He’s a very serious guy. Now go to the top of page four.”

“Go use sword. Draw your sword, and I'm not afraid. Draw your sword. The enemy is making a fuss. And the enemy will not be stopped, except by -- let the reins be let go anyway, but hope is there. Let thunderstorms go until the guidance appears, and injustice goes away. And let dawn be the way to confront all bad. And pull your trigger and keep the fire on.”

“Now that’s good. You’ve got the cadence, you’ve got the tone…”

“I’ve done a lot of dinner theater.”

“I can tell.”

“Guys and Dolls, A Streetcar Named Desire…”

“That’s nice. That’s good. Can we…”

“Stellllaa! Steellllllaaaaa!”

“Focus, Omar. Let’s try the wrap up.”

“God is great. God is great. At the beginning -- at the forefront is our nation. God is great, God is great. And live long, Iraq and Palestine.”

“Try something for me here. Tony Tiger. Saddam likes to talk like Tony Tiger.”

"God is grrrreat! God is grrrreat! And our Arab nation, dignified nation, let that nation live. And the human brotherhood, let it live with those who love peace and security.”

“Okay, bring it on home.”

“God is grrrreat, and let the losers lose. Let Iraq live. Long live Jihad and long live Palestine. Thank ya, thank ya very much.”

“Listen… you don’t want to die a thousand tiny deaths do you?”

“Uh, no.”

“Then cut out the Elvis shtick, and give me the last line straight.”

“God is grrrreat, and let the losers lose. Let Iraq live. Long live Jihad and long live Palestine.”

“You’ve got it. Sounds just like the real thing.”

“Thanks, but I still feel a little self-conscious that I don’t have a mustache...”
 

©2003, Mark Hoback