Shtick at the Top
Fox News announced today that Bill O'Reilly's highly rated cable talk show is adding a new feature that will feature some of his renowned comedic stylings. "It's a no-brainer, as Bill would say," said network spokesman Sam Peterson. "We envision it as being along the lines of Seinfeld, where his opening comments, or I should say stand-up, give a foreshadowing of what's to come during the rest of the show". - Variety 11/18/05
Good Evening, ladies and germs, and welcome to the No Spin Zone's latest feature, 'Shtick at the Top', where I'll be giving a quick comical spin to all the latest happenings.
'Oh, really?', you say. No, O'Reilly.
Today's laughing point is Hell.
"What fresh hell is this?" was a famous line that radical feminist Dorothy Parker frequently used when answering her telephone. Shtick at the Top has learned that while there are pay phones in Hell, they will only accept Susan B Anthony dollars. So good luck to all of the damned, because those things just seem to 'shtick' in the coin slot..
Speaking of the damned, the AP is now reporting that liberal goofball Senator John Murtha has died and gone to Hell. Those of us at the Laughing Point are always sorry to hear that any politician, no matter how radical, has been cast into the fiery pits of Hell, but in this case, perhaps it was justified. To those who would point out that Murtha was twice wounded in battle at Vietnam, we can only say that true heroes die on the battlefield.
Our sources inform us that Satan himself was there at the gates of Hell to greet Murtha. The Pennsylvania senator was informed that he could have his choice of three work assignments, and that the person whose assignment he elected to take would have another chance to redeem themselves on the planet Earth. All in all, not a bad deal for a man who would attempt to embarrass a sitting president during war time.
Murtha was taken into the first of three rooms, where he encountered Uday and Qusay Hussein, who were sticking pitchforks into the hides of forlorn Iraqi citizens, folks who were serving time in hell because they had not accepted the Christian faith. He protested to Satan that he could not perform this task because he did not believe in torture, even when it's purpose was to save his fellow countrymen.
Satan, being the prince of darkness - sorry Ozzy, but this is the real deal - chuckled and took him to the second room where he encountered a man sitting in front of a 386 computer with Windows 95 and no internet connectivity. There was no coffee in the room.
Muthra was told that this man, Bill Nelson, was required to spend twenty-four hours a day trying to write a computer program which would track the movement of all sexual predators set free by activist judges in all of the thirty-eight states that had not yet passed legislation as severe or stronger than 'Jessica's Law'.
As Murtha watched, Nelson's computer froze up and he had to reboot it once again. Even though Murtha's heart went out to this miserable individual, and he would have liked to give him another chance on Earth, he himself had no computer training and thus had to decline the job.
Satan laughed satanically, which is so often the case. Finally, they entered the third room, where Murtha was surprised to see disgraced former president William Jefferson Clinton. The ex-prez was drinking a martini and smoking a Cuban cigar while receiving a blow job from Monica Lewinsky. The former Commander-in-Briefs was so enthralled that he didn't even notice Satan and John Murtha walk into the room.
Needless to say, Murtha thanked his lucky stars. Attempting to disguise his glee, he turned to Beelzebub and told them that if he had to take one of the chores, this would be the one. You could almost hear the gears whirling in his traitorous head.
And then Satan, being exactly the sort of traitorous devil which his reputation implies, turned to the couple and said, "Okay, Monica, looks like you've got your second chance".
That's it for tonight's 'Shtick at the Top' segment. How about that website - www dot billoreilly dot com?
We'll be right back with tonight's impact segment, 'Surrender in the Senate'.
©2005, Mark Hoback