Tom Sizemore in Phony Pecker Scandal
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actor Tom Sizemore has been jailed for violating his probation by failing a drug test after he was caught trying to use a prosthetic penis to fake the results, a Los Angeles County prosecutor said on Friday.
"Hold up, Mister Sizemore, something's a bit fishy here".
"What? What's the problem?"
"Urine trouble... Heh heh. Little pee humor, there. But it's true, all the same. I'm afraid I'm going to have to bust you. You've just violated the terms of your parole".
"What? I just gave you that sample. You haven't even tested it yet".
"Bit cold, isn't it?"
"Can't be cold. I just put in a new heat pack. I mean, uh... I mean... Come on, Cut me a little slack, will you? It's real".
"I'd have a hard time believing that, Mister Sizemore. You seem to have left your dong in the water closet".
"I did n... Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gotten high before I came here".
"Bad move, that. I knew right away something was amiss when I saw you'd lost your Johnny".
"Look. Here's a twenty. And there's more where that came from when I finish my new movie".
"A bribe? Oh no, I'm afraid I couldn't accept that. I could lose my job, and being a urine inspector is the best work I've ever had".
"Sixty-three bucks. It's all I've got on me".
"Mind if I ask you what the make is on that member? It's surprisingly lifelike".
"It's a, uh, Whizzinator. Listen, I've got my bank card, we could just take a walk down to the closest ATM...".
"A Whizzinator, is it? What on earth will they think of next. Well, come along now. We've got to get you locked up".
"Okay, okay. Just promise me one thing. Don't let any of this leak to the press".
"Leak to the press? Good one, Mister Sizemore".
©2005, Mark Hoback