The Superman Hater's Club, Spring '05
Jimmy Olsen: Okay, folks. Order. Take your seats. <gavel knocks> Order. Come on guys, sit down. I call to order the Spring meeting of the Superman Haters Club. Hulk, will you please have a seat so we can get started.
Hulk: Sorry, Jimmy. Chair too small. Me sit on floor.
Jimmy: That'll be just fine, Hulk. I don't guess you can break that.
Hulk: Me can break anything. <sigh> Except a young girl's heart.
Jimmy: I see a couple of new faces here today. Greetings, Elektra, it's good to see you here. Aren't you a little young to be a Superman hater?
Elektra: Well, yes, but I'd really like to join the club. I mean, I do hate the guy in theory... his goody-goody legacy, you know...
Jimmy: Understandable. We'll be voting on new members at our Summer meeting, but we welcome you here today. We're always a little shy on the female side, so I bet you'll be a shoe-in. Speaking of the ladies, I see you brought someone new with you today, Invisible Girl. Could rubber band boy not fit us into his schedule, or are you finally ready to wake up and smell the coffee?
Wolverine: <loud whisper> About time she dumped that stretched out old fool.
Invisible Girl: This is my dear friend Fartman.
Fartman: <standing> I'M FARTMAN!
Green Lantern: Looks like you've lost the back of your costume, mate.
Aquaman: Who's Fartman?
Spiderman: You know, that guy with the talk show. Howard Stern.
Fartman: Careful with the secret identity stuff, Spidey. Don't you guys have some sort of code of ethics?
Wonder Woman: <shouting> Howard Stern doesn't have any secret powers!
Invisible Girl: He has the power to make me laugh, which is more than I can say for you, Wonder Bra!
Wonder Woman: Wonder Bra? Why I ought to...
Jimmy: Order. Order. <Bangs gavel> Order. Nice to have you here today, Fartman. Just as an aside here, I'd like to remind everyone that I don't have any super powers either, just a deep abiding hatred for Superman. Why do you hate Superman, Fartman?
Fartman: He would never do my show.
Aquaman: So what? I've never done your show either.
Fartman: Oh, yeah, like you're such a big scary talent, I can't imagine why we've never booked you. Listen guys, he had an apartment right across the hall from me. We were the only two people on the entire penthouse level. And I'd see him by the elevator and ask him to fly by the show sometime, and he'd tell me 'Oh no, I'm not Superman, I'm mild mannered Clark Kent'. Shmuck wears a pair of glasses and thinks he's disguised. Like you can afford a place like that on a reporter's salary. F-ing moron!
Jimmy: Good point, Fartman. Well, let's move along here. Do we have any old business from our last meeting?
The Thing: Yeah. I just want to say that Thor really blew it in the refreshments department for the Superhero's Ball. Let somebody else take kitchen duty next time.
Thor: But I had two kegs of Mead and a roast yak!
<groans all around>
Hulk: Next time bring Miller Lite. It less filling.
Sergeant Fury: Ain't you supposed to take the fur off those yaks before you roast them?
Thor: I... I apologize. I used the very best caterer in all of Assgard.
Thing: I guess Heaven isn't all it's cracked up to be. Next time try someone from Earth.
Thor: Sorry, then.
Jimmy: Okay. Let's move on to today's testimonial. Batman is going to tell us today about why he hates Superman so much.
Batman: Oh, this is just one reason out of many, Jimmy. Still, it's a pretty good illustration of why many of us think that the Man of Steel is little more than a Superweasel.
The Flash: I bet it has something to do with how fast that fucker is, doesn't it?
Batman: No, Flash, it doesn't. This is a story about Kanjar Ro, from the planet Dhor, and how...
Green Lantern: That Bloody Bastard! I should have known he was tied in with Superman!
Batman: Huh-ho, you don't know the half of it. I was just parking the Batmobile one sunny spring day when Kanjar crept up behind me and shot me with his Gamma Gong, rendering me entirely motionless. Then he...
Jimmy: Oh yeah, Batman. He got me outside of the Dairy Queen.
Batman: I remember all too well, Jimmy. So Kanjar loads me into his cosmic rowboat and whisks me off to his parlor of pain. It... it was quite humiliating what he did to me... I... I...
Green Lantern: Don't put yourself through it, Batman. We all know about his proclivity for buggery.
Fartman: I would have unleashed a mighty stench.
Batman: I couldn't move, Fartman. <sob> And when the Gamma Gong wore off, I was bound and gagged in a bright yellow room, chains around my hands and feet. And do you know who was there in the room with me?
Spiderman: Don't tell me. It was Superman, wasn't it.
Batman: That's right. Superman. And he had been drinking heavily. There were balloons on the wall with the faces of my friends - Robin, Commissioner Gordon, Bill O'Reilly, Suzy Liscombe...
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, and me too! And Lois! We were tied up in the next room!
Batman: Everyone was tied up, Jimmy, and Superman was throwing the darts of death. Every time he hit a balloon, someone would die. He picked off little Timmy Reynolds, and my maid Nancy... <sob> ...that's why to this very day, I only have a butler.
Wolverine: <loud whisper> Listen to the big shot with all his hired help.
Batman: I heard that, Wolverine. You keep your nose to the grindstone and maybe some day you'll have nice things too. The point is, Superman just didn't care... He said that Kanjar had given him a lead blindfold...
Aquaman: Ahhhrrgghhh, I hate Superman!
Batman: ...so he couldn't be held responsible.
<various sounds of disbelief>
Batman: You've just got to ask yourself, what the fuck was he doing playing with the darts of death in the first place?
Wonder Woman: Poor little Timmy Reynolds.
Jimmy: Poor all of us, Wonder Woman. We've all been hurt by Superman in so many ways. Well, folks, I say we adjourn for now, and partake of the wonderful refreshments that have been provided by the city of Metropolis. But first, let's all stand and recite the 'I Hate Superman Invocation'.
He ruined it for all of us.
We could have had a good time.
We could have been superer heroes.
But now we’re just shmoes.
Too bad for us.
People abort mutants like us now.
Not like Superman.
Who came to Earth on a fucking rocket.
© 2005, Mark Hoback