The Superman Hater's Club
Jimmy Olsen: Order. <4 gavel knocks> Order. I call to order January’s meeting of the Superman Haters Club. Hey! Will you please simmer down, Aquaman.
Aquaman: Sorry Jimmy. I forgot I wasn’t underwater.
Jimmy Olsen: It’s okay, big guy. Now, let’s get to new business. We’re looking for someone to take the lead in organizing this year’s Superhero Ball. Do I hear any volunteers? <pause…> Yes... Green Lantern?
Green Lantern : Problem is, Jimmy, we don’t have any ladies, now do we? Sure, we’ve got the Invisible Girl <laughs in room>, but she’s married, idn’t she? We need a little bit of fluff, don’t we? I mean, wot am I supposed to do, dance wit Spiderman? <laughter throughout room>
Wonder Woman: What about me, Greenie?
Green Lantern: Right, right. I’d rather dance with Peter Parker than a dried up old bag like you.
Spiderman: Thanks, buddy.
Green Lantern: No problem, Spidey. You’ve got a much prettier mouth.
Wonder Woman: I ought to lasso your no talent ass, Lantern.
Green Lantern: Give it a go, Grandma…
Jimmy Olsen: Order. <bang, bang> Order. Listen, this year I’m bringing in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Is that super enough for you guys?
Green Lantern: You just snagged yourself a volunteer, mate.
Jimmy Olsen: You’re on. Now, to the old business – why we hate Superman. The chair recognizes The Flash.
The Flash: Hello gentlemen. And lady. <laughs.> Listen. <loud, but rational> I Hate Superman, I truly do. I know that all the rest of you hate Superman quite a bit, but me, I really hate Superman. There is something I wish to share with you today. Actually, I’ve been trying to tell you this for a long time… I guess I’m not considered one of the really influential superheroes anymore, but... I… Used to be, I felt pretty good about myself. I was fast, you know, really fast. Quick as a... okay, pardon that... But Superman, you know, he was just as fast as me. Of course he was... <rumbling from the others>. We had a race between the two of us one time… and I kind of thought it was just a friendly challenge…
Iron Man: That sonofabitch. I know what’s coming.
Flash: Well, we did a little sprint from Metropolis to Gotham City, and it was a virtual tie, you know? “I guess we’re pretty much equal,” he said with that malicious little grin of his. And then he bent some steel and flew away.
Iron Man: I knew it! Goddamn, do I ever hate Superman! Here I am, Iron Man, and he’s like “Oh. Well, I’m the man of steel.”
Flash <disgusted>: Whatever.
Aquaman: I can hold my breath longer than he can. Fool can’t hold his breath for more than ten, fifteen minutes before he’s wheezing.
Wonder Woman: What the fuck good is that? What the fuck good is holding your breath? What’s happening underwater that’s so fucking interesting?
Aquaman: I can order the, uh, denizens of the sea around, you know…
Wonder Woman: Well Superman can hold his breath in friggin' outer space. You try that, fish boy, the pressure is gonna collapse your lungs.
Aquaman: Ahhhgghhh, I hate Superman!
Reed Richards AKA Mister Fantastic: Might I suggest that this topic is too little too late at this point? I mean Superman has been dead since 1987, ever since 'Superman vs. the Pancreatic Cancer'. Alien he was, yes, but he still had a pancreas.
Wolverine: Fuck you, man of rubber. Not much lead left in your pencil is there?
Mister Fantastic: I can still get it up, mutant, if that is what you infer. Due to my super elasticity, my wiener is capable of stretching for a city block.
Invisible Girl: Yeah, and what an inspiring sight that is, Reed. I’m so wet. Do you not remember the name of the club we are attending? Sorry if I come across as rude, Rubber-band Man. You know, if he had really wanted to, Superman could have ripped you apart like a rubber duckie.
Mister Fantastic: I was much smarter than Kent.
Batman: Yeah, so was I, asshole, and that didn’t help my career a whole fucking lot. People always want to talk about my dark side... Superman never had a dark side…
Mister Fantastic: Don’t talk to me like that, Wayne. You don't even have a friggin super power. Just that stupid utility belt of yours...
Batman: My brain is my super power, bozo! Not like you! You decide to take your girl and her brother and your best friend into a vast field of cosmic rays? Real smart. You are pathetic.
The Thing: Got that right, Batman. I sincerely do hate Superman, but in a way, I hate Richards even more. Wish it was clobbering’ time, but what with my arthritis these days, I just can’t move around much any more. I’m just a big orange freak. Just like you, Flash. Cept you ain’t orange.
Flash: Ben Grimm, you are a better man than Superman ever was. That piece of shit. At least you have some empathy to you. At least you care.
The Thing: I do. I do.
Jimmy Olsen: Well, that’s about it for this month’s session of the Superman Hater’s Club. I know, I’m sorry, but I could only rent Tammany Hall for five minutes. In closing, I’d just like to say that I also hate Superman, and I invite everybody to join me in the ‘I Hate Superman Invocation’.
Jimmy Olsen: Adjourned.
© 2005, Mark Hoback