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The Superman Hater's Club |
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Jimmy Olsen: Order. <4 gavel knocks> Order. I call to order January’s meeting of the Superman Haters Club. Quiet down, Aquaman. Aquaman: Sorry Jimmy. I forgot I wasn’t underwater. Jimmy Olsen: It’s okay, big guy. Now, let’s get to new business. We’re looking for someone to take the lead in organizing this year’s Superhero Ball. Do I hear any volunteers? <pause…> Yes, Green Lantern? Green Lantern <with an inexplicable Cockney accent>: Problem is, Jimmy, we don’t have any ladies, now do we? Sure, we’ve got the Invisible Girl <laughs in room>, but she’s married, idn’t she? We need a little bit of fluff, don’t we? I mean, wot am I supposed to do, dance wit Spiderman? <laughter throughout room> Wonder Woman: What about me, Greenie? Green Lantern: Right, right. I’d rather dance with Peter Parker than a dried up old bag like you. Spiderman: Thanks, buddy. Green Lantern: No problem, Spidey. You’ve got a prettier mouth. Wonder Woman: I ought to lasso your no talent ass, Lantern. Green Lantern: Try it Grandma… Jimmy Olsen: Order. <bang, bang> Order. I’m bringing in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Super enough? Green Lantern: You just snagged yourself a volunteer, mate. Jimmy Olsen: You’re on. Now to old business – why we hate Superman. The chair recognizes The Flash. The Flash: Hello gentlemen. And lady. <laughs.> Listen. <shouting, but rational> I Hate Superman, I do. I know that all the rest of you hate Superman too, but I really hate Superman. There is something I wish to share with you. Actually, I’ve been trying to tell you for a long time… I guess I’m not considered one of the really big superheroes anymore. I… Used to be, I felt pretty good about myself. I was fast, you know, real fast. But Superman, he was just as fast as me. <rumbling from the others>. We had a race one time… I thought it was just a friendly challenge… Iron Man: That sonofabitch. I know what’s coming. Flash: Well, we did a little sprint from Metropolis to Gotham City, and it was a virtual tie, you know. “I guess we’re equal,” he said, with that malicious little grin of his. And then he bent some steel and flew away. Iron Man: I knew it! Goddamn, do I ever hate Superman! Here I am, Iron Man, and he’s like “Oh. Well, I’m the man of steel.” Flash <disgusted>: Whatever. Aquaman: I can hold my breath longer than he can. Fool can’t hold his breath for more than nine, ten minutes before he’s wheezing. Wonder Woman: What the fuck good is that? What the fuck good is holding your breath? What’s happening underwater that’s so interesting? Aquaman: I can order the fish around, you know… Wonder Woman: Well Superman can hold his breath in outer space. You try that, fish boy, the pressures gonna collapse your lungs. Aquaman: Ahhhgghhh, I hate Superman! Reed Richards AKA Mister Fantastic: Might I suggest that this topic is too little too late at this point? I mean Superman has been dead since 1987, ever since Superman vs. the Pancreatic Cancer. Alien yes, but he still had a pancreas. Wolverine: Fuck you, man of rubber. Not much lead left in your pencil is there? Mister Fantastic: I can still get it up, mutant, if that is what you mean. Due to my super elasticity, my wiener is still capable of stretching for a city block. Invisible Girl: Yeah, and what an inspiring sight that is, Reed. I’m wet. Do you not remember the event we are attending? Sorry if I come across as rude, Rubber-band Man. You know, if he had wanted to, Superman could have ripped you apart like a rubber duckie. Mister Fantastic: I was much smarter than Kent. Batman: Yeah, so was I, asshole, and that didn’t help my career a whole fucking lot. People always want to talk about my dark side. Superman never had a dark side… Mister Fantastic: Don’t talk to me like that Wayne. You didn’t even have a friggin super power. Just that stupid utility belt. Batman: My brain is my super power, bozo! Not like you! You take your girl and her brother and your best friend into a vast field of cosmic rays? Real smart. You are pathetic. The Thing: Got that right, Batman. I sincerely do hate Superman, but in a way, I hate Richards even more. Wish it was clobbering’ time, but what with my arthritis, I just can’t move much any more. I’m just a big orange freak. Just like you, Flash. Cept you ain’t orange. Flash: Ben Grimm, you are a better man than Superman ever was. That piece of shit. At least you have some empathy to you. You care. The Thing: I do. I do. Jimmy Olsen: Well, that’s about it for this month’s session of the Superman Hater’s Club. I know, I’m sorry, but I could only rent Tammany Hall for five minutes. In closing, I’d just like to say that I hate Superman, and invite everybody to join me in the ‘I Hate Superman Invocation’. Everybody: Jimmy Olsen: Adjourned.
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