...and now, live from the outskirts of wouldn't you like to know you stinking infidels, the Global Islamic Media Front is proud to present the second edition of The Voice of the Caliphate Show, with our host, the most exalted potentate of al-Qaeda International, Osama bin Laden!

[cue Theme from Hawaii 5-0]

[applause]

Whoa! Thank you! And thank you, Raheej, for that fabulous introduction! We are in fabulous spirits tonight, everybody! This is the word of truth in the face of all that is void! Now let me hear those Lions of Allah!

[cue. 'Moo... moo... moo...']

[laughter]

In the name of all that is holy, what is that racket Raheej?

[Raheej: 'It is the mighty lions of Zion!']

[titters]

I assure you that it is not. May a queasy mountain yak leave a gift inside your turban.

[big laughter]

On we go. We have a lot of major stories tonight. This is The Voice of the Caliphate Show, the messenger of the Mujahideen and all the many Muslims. Our top story tonight is the kidnapping and righteous killing of Israeli Jew spy Sasson Nuriel by our brothers in Hamas.

[cheers. 'Hamas! Hamas! Hamas!']

Right you are, Allah be praised. Nuriel was a very bad man armed with a very big stick. He managed to bash 23 of our brothers in arms before they were finally able to prevail. Let's watch the video.

[cue video. 'Oh... oh no... look out for that stick!... Ouch. Don't... Ouch, ouch, ouch!... Yiii!... No, no! Point the gun the other way!... Oww! Ooh, that's gotta hurt...']

Moving on. We have a very special guest tonight joining us by videotape... No? What's that, Raheej? We have him on a live digital feed? Glorious! The Voice of the Caliphate show is proud to bring you the number two guy in all of al-Qaeda, the undefeatable Ayman al-Zawahiri. How is it now hanging, Aymen?

[cue screen. No image. 'Hello? Hello?]

Ayman, how are conditions in the secret place where you are currently residing? Kill any infidels, lately?

[cue screen. Vague snowy image. 'Osama... Is that you? All I'm getting on my end is unendurable static...']

Bah... technical difficulties... But we shall not despair. Instead we shall take this opportunity to hear a word from this weeks sponsor, SimplyIslam.com. Give me those lions, Raheej!

[cue. 'Moo... moo... moo...']

Raheej!

[cue: 'This is Sami Yusef and I have got a question for you - have you finished your Ramadan shopping yet? Yes, it is that time of year, and if you are in a quandary for a present, we strongly implore you to log into SimplyIslam.com and take a gander at our large selection of fine holiday gifts. Specials? It is our annual four for three sale! How about this - buy three Ahmed Deedat DVDs and get the fourth one free! Buy three Zakir Naik DVDs and get the fourth one free, including the smash two disk set 'Is Non-Vegetarian Food Permitted Or Prohibited For A Human Being?' Stock up on our high quality hijabs in all the latest colors. You guessed it - buy three and...]

...sorry, Ayman, the signal is dead... No, I know you don't like me to call you on your cell phone... Well... Hey, I am just trying to be considerate. I did not want to leave you waiting around in the middle of Tuz Kuhr... Oh, we are back?

Welcome back to The Voice of the Caliphate Show, where we present the word of truth in the face of all that is void! We are sorry, but our special guest al-Zawahiri had to run. From an large ugly pack of infidel devils!

[Raheej: 'How ugly were they, Osama?']

The infidels were so ugly that their mothers used to feed them with slingshots.

[laughter]

And now it's time for our 'Once Around the World' segment.

In Afghanistan, there was another successful suicide bombing this week,  when Taliban bomber Yuser Arneedi drove his motorbike into a group of Afghans aboard their armored bus in Kabul. Unfortunately, only one person was killed, and that was Yuser.

[muttering]

In the United States of Satan there is much sorrow as the ineffective Hurricane Stan dissipates over Mexico without so much as blowing the roof off a single infidel dwelling. What sort of name is Stan for a hurricane, anyway? And yet there is hope that Allah will lend his strength to the ferociously named tropical storm Tammy and guide it toward the U.S. mainland. Experts call this scenario unlikely, but one can always hope.

[grumbles]

 And finally, from London, infernal noise maker Mick Jagger is denying rumors that his unbetrothed whore L Wren Scott is causing a rift within the Rolling Stones by demanding the other band members quit smoking. What an insolent woman! Worthy of stoning if you ask me. Jagger explained that 'she's not doing a Yoko'. We regret to say that we do not know what that means.

[sounds of confusion]

Well, that is all the time that we have today on The Voice of the Caliphate Show. Join us again next week for truth in the face of all that is void! Now, give me those lions,  Raheej!

[cue] Moo... moo... moo...

[applause]

 

2005, Mark Hoback