Item: al-Qaeda releases a statement claiming that captured terrorist Abdullah Abu Azzam is not their number two man in Iraq.
Item: al-Qaeda launches web news show, 'Voice of the Caliphate'

...and now, live from the outskirts of wouldn't you like to know you stinking infidels, the Global Islamic Media Front is proud to present The Voice of the Caliphate Show, with our host, the most exalted potentate of al-Qaeda International, Osama bin Laden!

[cue] Theme from Hawaii 5-0

[applause] Thank you! Thank you, Raheej! Give it up, everybody! This is the word of truth in the face of all that is void! Let me hear those Lions of Allah!

[cue sheep bleating] Baaa... baaa... baaa...

Ah, Raheej, you shall pay dearly for that mistake. May the Prime Minister of Iraq seek refuge under your sister's burka.

[laughter]

All right. On to the news. This is The Voice of the Caliphate Show, the messenger of the Mujahideen and all Muslims. There is news today that the fighting swine of George Bush have killed the number two Iraqi insurgent of al-Qaeda, our beloved brother, Abdullah Abu Azzam.

[boos]

Quiet! Quiet! These are lies! Allah be praised! Abdullah was not our number two man in Iraq. He was not even in our top ten. Abdullah is, however, deader than a doornail. Now roll the film from his grieving mother.

[cue film] I will always remember Abdullah as the gentle boy who played amongst the goats and camels along the banks of Buhayrut ath Tharthar. He would not even harm a fly. Boohoohoo... Infidels, on the other hand, he would slice apart like rotting figs. His death must be avenged! We must stay the course in our crusade!

[chants: Stay the course! Stay the course!]

Indeed we shall stay the course, until Iraq is a holy land once again. But first, a word from our sponsor, ZamZam Cola. Give me those lions, Raheej!

[cue] Baaa... baaa... baaa...

[cue] Thirsty? Perhaps you are ready for a frosty ZamZam, the Iranian made alternative to Western cola beverages. ZamZam is named after Mecca’s holy spring water and is one hundred percent natural, with no caffeine, carbonation, or artificial flavors. Delicious cold, warm, or hot, ZamZam Cola is like a jihad in your mouth.

...I think the show is going really well for our first effort, Raheej. Tomorrow, Allah willing, we will be broadcasting for five minutes instead of four. Yes, I did... I did like the sheep sound effects, it kind of lightens the mood when... We're back?

Welcome back to The Voice of the Caliphate Show, where we present the word of truth in the face of all that is void! And now for our 'Once Around the World' segment.

It is well known that the cowardly Jews have fled from Gaza with their devil tales tucked between their unclean buttocks. All hail to the valiant battle of the Mujahideen, and we strive along with our Palestinian brethren in their efforts to recapture further land. [cheers] In the decadent West, where the glorious Katrina and her blowhard sister Rita have smacked the infidels a mighty blow, God's wrath continues to be unleashed on the unholy nation of America, this time in the form of two inches of rain which poured down upon the unholy city of Pocatello, Idaho. All praise to Allah! [big cheers]

And finally, from Hollywood, our very best wishes to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore who have finally tied the knot. [enormous cheers]

Well, that's all the time we've got today on The Voice of the Caliphate Show. Join us again tomorrow for truth in the face of all that is void! Now, give me those lions,  Raheej!

[cue] Baaa... baaa... baaa...

[applause]

 

©2005, Mark Hoback