advertising opportunity of a lifetime

Dear Pfizer,

If you aren't all over this like white on rice, my belief in the greatness of the American pharmaceutical industry will be shaken to it's very core. I guess I shouldn't be worried, since you are number one in the world, but I just want to make sure you retain your blue ribbon status. Your 'little blue ribbon' status, I should say, ha ha.

Of course I'm writing to you about Viagra, to which I give a full salute. (I don't suppose you get too many letters about Lipitor, do you? I wood think not.) Say, not to pull a boner by going off topic, but I've heard that Viagra can double the life of cut flowers. Really. You cut some roses, put them in a vase, and then when you think they should be dead, they're still pitching a tent with their blooms. (They've tried this on strawberries too, although I'm not sure what the heck they're supposed to do).

Did you miss that story? You must have. You only need 1mg for flowers as opposed to 50mg for a man, so the profit possibilities are explosive. I don't want to be hard on you, but this lack of due diligence is why I'm going to the trouble of writing you. I don't want to wake up some morning to find the Chinese adding the blue steel to our morning glories.

But I digress. (And enough of my entendres; I'll bet I sound like a real dick). I wanted to tell you about the latest weapon in the CIA's arsenal for the Afghanistan war. You already know, don't you? I'll bet you're swelling with pride. Just read and glow:

Four blue pills. Viagra.

"Take one of these. You'll love it," the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.

The enticement worked. The officer, who described the encounter, returned four days later to an enthusiastic reception. The grinning chief offered up a bonanza of information about Taliban movements and supply routes -- followed by a request for more pills.

Pfizer is already helping win the war on terror. While America looks at the Middle East and hopes for a hasty withdrawal, I can assure you that the average village chieftain or warlord does not. After a hard day of waging Jihad or harvesting poppies, it's hard when you come home to a camp where several younger wives are waiting. Not. And that's where you come in. We can win their hearts and minds, their cooperation, and ultimately, their wallets.

Yours truly,

Woody Johnson

p.s. - I've taken the liberty of writing a little advertising slogan you might want to use in Afghanistan. "For an erection lasting longer than four wives, thank Viagra."


2008, Mark Hoback