Palm Beach police are now saying that they have discredited rocker Courtney Love's story that a cigar smoking fat man attacked her and carved the name of John McCain into her face after seeing her wearing a Barack Obama t-shirt.

Love had told police that she had been exiting an upscale Palm Beach chili parlor when a black limousine pulled up beside her, and "a really gross fat dude with one hand tied behind his back just to make it fair" jumped out and beat her senseless before speeding off.

"She was senseless,: said Detective Dick Turney, "that much is beyond a doubt. And she did look pretty beat up, although after further investigation, we determined that's the way she looks most of the time."

Turney's suspicion was aroused after a closer examination of the facial evidence.

"The perpetrator did not have enough real estate to complete his message, leaving only the letters MCA. I don't know, there may have been more letters in her hair. It was hard to tell. But the boys in the lab informed me that John McCain spells his name with two 'C's, and as the photographic evidence clearly shows, there was only one. And then there's the fact that the letters washed right off, which would not be the case with an incision, so we're operating under the theory that she was attacked with her own lip liner."

Assault with a deadly lip liner is still a Class 2 felony in the state of Florida, so Turney focused intently on the matter. He caught a lucky break when he found that Love had been 'lunching' with Beastie Boy rapper Adam Yauch, also known as MCA.

"He sang like a bird," said Turney, noting that Yauch had confessed shortly into the interrogation. "He said that she had passed out at lunch, and he had taken the liberty of retrieving her lip liner and writing his moniker on her face. Sick. Really sick. We believe that he also took out Love's Mastercard and paid for lunch with it. When she came to, he told her that she had left the restaurant, been attacked by Rush Limbaugh, and left on the corner to die. He's going to be behind bars for a long time, maybe as much as two weeks. There are some things we just don't tolerate here in Palm Beach."

 

2008, Mark Hoback