pic from Crumb

God knows these are exciting times - a new dog in the White House! The pitter patter of four little feet - or eight! - has set the nation's heart atwitter with anticipation. What will it be? A baby boxer? A cockapoo? A pit-bull from the pound?

Get a grip, America, there are far more important questions for a country starved for bold leadership. Such as

Who will be the new White House Chef?

This is important stuff. Not only does America's commander in chief require a constant source of nourishment, as the most powerful leader on Planet Earth, he is clearly entitled to deliciousness. This will be the people's White House, and when we visit, the least we can expect is something tasty to eat. Obviously, as is the case with the First Dog, this is far too important a decision to be made by any one individual, and clearly needs the input of all conscientious Americans. Our nominees:

Giada De Laurentiis: Studied at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, and went on to become head chef at renowned L.A. restaurant Spago. Currently the host of 'Everyday Italian'. Specialty: Italian (duh). Listed first because when I visit the White House, that's who I would want to see in the kitchen. Does Obama like Italian food? Since he's perfect, there's no doubt about it. Fun facts: Only celebrity chef with a degree from UCLA in social anthropology. Pros: Look at the way she can squeeze a tomato! Cons: Father is embarrassing film producer Dino De Laurentiis, the man responsible for 'Mandingo', 'Dune', and 'Conan the Destroyer'.
Ettore Boiardi, AKA Chef Boyardee: Believed by the uneducated to be a fictional advertising symbol, Boiardi was born in Piacenza, Italy, and upon arriving in America became head chef at the Plaza Hotel in New York. Specialty: Italian. As previously noted, Obama must like Italian. Fun facts: Invented spaghetti in a can. Pros: American hero, winning gold star of excellence from War Department for providing semi-edible meals for the troops during WWII. Cons: Competing against Giada De Laurentiis.
Paula Deen: Born and raised in Savannah Georgia, where her love of frying food and serving dessert as three separate courses in a five course meal earned her renown, including USA Today's prestigious 'International Meal of the Year' award in 1999. Specialty: Southern cooking, esp. fried. Does Obama like fried food? No he does not, but then it's not his choice. Fun facts: Honed her cooking skills during her years as an agoraphobic.  Pros: Personable and mom-like, seems like she belongs in a kitchen. Cons: Irritating and unsanitary habit of sampling food before it ever reaches recipient's plate.
Emeril Lagasse: Raised in Fall Rivers, Massachusetts by his French-Canadian father, Emeril went on to study in Europe, where he learned the art of preparing fine cuisine by scaring it into submission. Specialty: Cajun and Creole. Can Obama polish off a steaming plate of Emeril's shrimp and grits? Yes he can! Fun facts: Of course Emeril led his high school drum squad. Pros: A man's man, Obama would have someone to hang out with when he went into the kitchen for a snack. Cons: Tourette-like compulsion to shout interjections like 'BAM' and 'POW' would lead to many sleepless nights for the Secret Service.
Rachel Ray: Growing up in Glen Falls, Ray honed her culinary skills by helping around the kitchen. Achieving her fame via her incredible perkiness, the host of '30 Minute Meals' creates meals which appear only vaguely appetizing, but she makes them really quickly. Specialty: Fast food. Fun facts: First food related job was working the candy counter at Macy's. Pros: Perky, perky, perky, if you need some perkiness after a hard day at the office. Cons: Practically impossible to prepare a decent state dinner in under thirty minutes.
Jerome McElroy, AKA 'Chef': With family a priority for Michelle Obama, South Park, Colorado's McElroy has proven highly popular with the childrens, to whom he also dispenses invaluable lesson about 'the facts of life'. Specialty: Chocolate Salty Balls. Fun facts: Once had sex with every woman in South Park before passing out from exhaustion. Pros: Aside from cooking, McElroy can also sing like an angel, albeit an angel with a really low voice. Cons: None that we know of.


2008, Mark Hoback