It's hard out here for a pirate


As the global economy continues it's downward spiral, Somali pirates who hijacked the Saudi supertanker Sirius Star have been forced to reduce their ransom demand from $25million down to a bargain basement $15million.

Speaking by satellite phone to Agence France-Presse, a pirate who identified himself as Mohammad Said (yeah, right)...okay, where was I? Said said that there would be "bloody hell t' pay" if the ransom was not paid within ten days.

"We do nay want long-term discussions t' resolve this matter. Middle men be havin' gi'en a $15cargo holds o' ransom figure fer th' Saudi ship. That be th' issue now. An' by God, I would make them middle men keel haul th' plank if thar wasn`t a kernel o' truth in what they be sayin'. Th' price o' oil be sinkin' like a stone, an' they tell me I ortin' ta be grateful t' get that much. Shiver me timbers, this global economy goin' to be th' death o' me."

Said said that aside from the oil, the tanker and it's crew of 25 Brits, Poles, Croats, and Saudis should be well worth $25million, but he felt the Saudi negotiators were "tryin' t' get inside me hade an' run amuck".

"They told me th' ship be fully insured, an' they would give me ten cargo holds fer it, take it or leave it. They spake they would get at least fifty cargo holds o' fun out o' trackin' me down like a rabid dog an' watchin' me sink in th' ship t' th' bottom o' Davy Jones Locker. Dasn't these scallywags be havin' any idea o' th' ecological damage such a dastardly act would cause? An' they threatened t' put th' whole thin' on pay fer view!"

"Th' barbarians told me that I could keep th' Brits, Poles an' Croats, but they would agree t' pay a cargo hold each fer th' five Saudis. Arrr, jus' feedin' these scurvy curs be costin' me a pirate's ransom. `We`re tired o' seafood,` they tell me an' I says `well 'tis seafood ye`re goin' t' be fed`, but they keep on wi' their whinin' an' moanin' until I finally stops at Pictarin Isle, an' barter fer some nice pork roasts. An' jus' this mornin' I find ou' that th' Brits be havin' loaded to th' gunwhales on all me rum. I canna take this much longer, I tell ye, I be goin' off me rocker. If I dasn't get me ransom pretty soon, I be goin' t' shuck it all an' go back to investment bankin'. At least th' hours be better."


2008, Mark Hoback