Screen capture from Think Progress

Hey, you over there with the hair on your head, it's time for Stock Smarts. For the next three minutes, we're going to be discussing two things - you and your money. That's right, if you want financial advice, there's no better place on earth to get it than FOX news, here and now, with me, your host, Jonathan Hoenig.

Two words. Bill Clinton. Where the fuck does this guy park his bus? I'm not kidding around here. You know, maybe this guy just hates the stock market and everything it stands for. Maybe he just hates America. Or am I being redundant? I don't give a shit. I'll tell you one thing that I don't think you'll be able to muster any arguments with - he sure as hell doesn't have any stock smarts.

Jonathan, you ask me, wasn't the NASDAQ over 5000 when Clinton was president? Don't you accuse me of being counter-intuitive, you purple-assed baboon, I'll put your arm in a sling. You must have been reading revisionist history put out by the red diaper doper babies. No wonder you need this show, your head is full of cotton. Hey, under Clinton, the DOW was in the low eights and NASDAQ never broke a thou. Those were bad times, folks, I don't care what little miss Pollywollydoodle Allday passes off as the new improved gospel while America steams it's shrimp. 911 changed everything, and if you don't cater to that, why don't you switch over to the Food Network right now instead of soaking in these expensive airwaves of mine.

I hate global warming. You know why? Because it's not real, people. It's a made-up barrel of horse hockey designed to discourage people from developing their stock smarts. It actually makes me laugh, because most of the morons who believe in this crapola have no money. Ha! That's poetic justice at it's finest.

Earth to President Clinton - there’s no scientific proof that global warming even exists. It's all bullshit, man, you know that and you're just lying to the people. I admit that was a little bit ghetto sounding for my taste, but sometimes you just got to tell it like it is, baby. Cause here on Stock Smarts we love to tell it like it is, not like we want it to be, or hope it could be, or maybe how it was in our fucking dreams. To be honest with you people, global warming is a bogus consensus dreamed up by Greens because they hate industry. They hate advancement. They hate technology…Greens will lead us back to the stone ages.

Of course the stone age wasn't as bad as a lot of people think. You could still pick up a share of IBM and get change back from a twenty. Yeah, buddy. And there were a lot of so-called educated folks who believed in something they called global cooling. Wake up and smell the bromide, citizen. It's all good.

This is Jonathan Hoenig, inviting you to join me every night at 6:22 for Stock Smarts. If you feel like it.

 

©2006, Mark Hoback